Do you like me?
Why do I care if people like me? Why is it so important that other people think that I am ‘nice’? Is this something that is taught to girls at…
I am ok!
I am ok now, and I will be ok in the future. I feel good today, after a couple weeks of self doubt and being unmotivated. Now I know that…
But I don’t feel like it
I am bored with myself. This morning I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like turning my brain off and thinking about nothing. I don’t want to…
Art is truth
There is a meaning, expression, sadness, hope and a beauty that comes to life when I paint. There is a power in it. Thoughts and dreams that don’t have words…
When did I start to feel so small?
When was it that I decided that I had to jump through hoops so that people would like me? When did I decide that I wasn’t good enough just how…
My escape
Love is the most important thing. I love my husband and my daughter, they are my core, they are my earth. Without them I feel like I would be floating…
Walking into the fog
Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a…
No IPhone, No Extra
I have been afraid of looking inside myself and being completely overwhelmed by all that is there. My fear has led me to look everywhere and anywhere but inside of…
I accept my power
I had a dream last night that I was alone and running from something. The first part of my dream I was sitting on the lawn of the house I…
It is just like riding a bike
I am slowly changing into a different person. I feel it. My old critical reactions to situations come into my mind sometimes and before I can voice the negative words,…
But now I know
It is snowing here in Portland Oregon today, and I am grateful that I am in my warm house. As I get older I feel like I can’t handle the…
Learning to fly again
I am in midlife, or at least I think I am. I am 53 years old, so does that put me in the midlife category or maybe the post midlife…
I will write!
“What do you know about empowering women? You can’t pass yourself off as an expert if you are not! I don’t think your idea is going to work.” These are…
The 10 Year Challenge
So, what is the challenge part? That hopefully we look and feel better than we did 10 years ago, or at least that we haven’t completely gone off the rails.…
I am not a quitter
So, I slept for 12 hours last night, and I just starting writing at 11:00 AM. I usually am almost done writing by now, but today I am slow moving.…
Creating my story
This year is no different than any other year. I still have my history, my faults, my stubbornness and my tendency to withdraw into my own world. Except this year…
Becoming Whole
I notice as my dreams slowly start to become reality there is a part of me that wants to slow everything down. I start to turn apathetic, and devalue my…
Alone for Christmas? Good for you!
Do I deserve all the love I have in my life right now? My body feels anxious and I have to focus to keep my mind from looking for danger.…
The Way of Life
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I am attracted to some people immediately just by being in their presence. That is how it was with…
My New Addiction
2018! Where did the year go? I have been reflecting a lot about where I was at the beginning of this year. I know I was in a completely different…
My heart and brain disagree
Last week was hard. I had conflicting emotions and my inner dialogue would not be quiet. I felt like there was a parrot in my head repeating all my conversations…
Rejection, and the Power of a Moment
Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why do I feel the need to prove myself, and make them…
Is my body really mine?
Has my body ever really been my own? Has my body ever really been my own? I mean really mine! Has there ever been a time that I could do…
Sobriety? No thanks!
I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink. We used to have friends that would come over to…
I feel unworthy, but it’s ok
I have given up everything. No alcohol, no toxic relationships, no negative self talk. These were my addictions. These addictions were predictable and safe. They had a definite pattern. The pattern…
The art of the unknown
This time last year I joined a midlife women’s group in search of some answers to my dissatisfaction with life. I was sure that other women my age were struggling…
I believe me
I used to have anxiety about my anxiety. My mind would just keep going in circles thinking about my life. Why didn’t I do that? Why am I doing this? …
The perfect marriage
The night I met my husband, I had been moving all day and he offered to come over to help me set up my furniture in my new place. He…
My power is beautiful
I can’t choose what life throws at me, but I can choose how I respond to it. No one can get into my head and tell me how to feel…
I just want to matter
I know the most important thing is that I matter to myself, but I want to matter to other people. I want to have a voice and an opinion that…
I can hear myself think
My house is quiet. A quietness I would have been so grateful for when my daughter was a baby. I never got quiet unless by some miracle she took a…
And only the beauty remains
I sat on the bed in the hotel room and stared at the Apple laptop I had just purchased. I tapped on some random keys to try and make something…
The saga of the ice cream
I arrived in London almost a week ago with my 20 year old daughter. We settled into our 3 story 2 bedroom 2 bath Airbnb in Knightsbridge, London just a…
Love and Survival
Is it possible that I felt love as a child at the same time I was trying to survive? How can that be? What I can tell you is that…
It’s not all bells and whistles
I used to feel like I was that little metal ball in a pinball machine being hit in different directions by outside forces. I would try and stay in the…
What came first, the challenge or the failure?
Sometimes I feel like I just want to fail at something, so I set up a challenge and then purposely break my own rules so that I can feel bad…
I can’t go back
So, it’s my sister’s 60th birthday today, and I sent her a card and texted her and wished her the best. I am not attending a huge birthday bash with…
ok universe, I get the message!
As I walked to the photography studio, my stomach had butterflies and I felt a little nauseous. Why was I so anxious? I searched my mind for the cause of…
Moving on
When my life first started to unravel I decided the answer was to move to Redondo Beach which is close to Los Angeles. I had lived there until I was…
Am I there yet?
What made me start this journey, and how do I know when I am where I want to be? I started about 4 years ago when I felt like I…
My girl crush
So yeah, I had a girl crush. She came into my life when I was weak. I had just got demoted from my management position to a staff position which…
I am always right
So I have learned an important lesson this week that maybe I should have learned a long time ago, and that is that forgiveness is about me. I always thought…
Sitting is harder than running
I have to be honest. I had a rough week. I started this blog on the premise of telling my story and sometimes my story is just shitty. I honestly…
I have all the answers
Oh, did you know that I have all the answers. If you are having difficulties I can listen, be there and make you feel better. I am loyal, and I…
When worlds collide
Well, it happened, and I knew it would one day. My worlds collided with one statement from a coworker, ‘Peta, I saw your Instagram account, nice detailed drawings’. I froze…
Am I damaged?
Am I damaged? I used to think that I was, at the very core of me damaged or bad. And I used to use all my energy to hide my…
Am I enough?
Does anyone care that I am a nerd now? That I went from happy hours to book readings, margaritas to tea. That I went from late nights, to being excited…
I am rejected
I am scared of rejection. I like being liked and approved of, especially from those I care about. So, in writing about my childhood I am scared that my brothers…
Denial
I was born old. I am the youngest girl of 6 children and was I born with a strong will. My family used to say I was 5 going on…
Love and desire
I want to be loved and I want to be desired. These are two opposing dynamics within me. To me, being loved is for someone to ‘get’ me, to see…
Finding me
So, I always hear the term “find yourself”, and I wonder what that means. I know that I feel like I am on a journey to find the real me, …
I am a warrior
My daughter just turned 20, and I am trying my best to give her good advice and point her in the right direction. It’s a fine line to walk between…
I admit it, I’m obsessed.
Ok, so I admit it, I am obsessed. I can’t stop drawing and writing, and when I am not drawing and writing I am thinking about it. If someone is…
I am invited
So, about 4 years ago I was crazed, or maybe just partly crazy. I was doing college visits with my daughter at UCLA and other Southern California colleges. We rented…
My beautiful room
So, a week ago I bought drawing pencils, paint and paper to tap into my creative side. Mid week I went back to the art supply store to get more…
Sometimes happiness costs $9.99
So, I had this week off my financial job for spring break and my daughter and I flew to Los Angeles at the beginning of the week and had a…
But what if I’m wrong?
So, I saw Lisa Vanderpump last night at SUR restaurant in Los Angeles. For those of you who don’t watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, she is the queen…
Just be yourself
I hear the phrase all the time, “just be yourself”, as if after years of hiding myself and creating a persona to navigate the world, it will all of a…
words create boundaries
I have a body that everyone can see, it is my physical form. But then I have boundaries that no one sees but my soul. My boundary is invisible to…
In the moment
So, I went to an Old School Throwback Jam concert last night, which was basically an 80’s dance party. It only took up 1/2 of the concert arena because they…
I am ok
I laid on the couch unable to move. My daughter looked at my sheepishly, and asked quietly. “Are you okay mom?”. I nodded and went back to binge watching Sex…
To be nude or not to be nude, that is not the question.
So, on Instagram today @girl_unfiltered asked the question of how celebrity nude selfies effect young women’s self-esteem. So, I asked my 19 year old daughter this question as…
Be still
I was exhausted , hungover, depressed. But I kept it all inside, and wondered why I felt so bad. None of the people in my life had asked me to…
The equation of marriage: 1 + 1 = your life.
Marriage. It is a wonderful, miraculous state. The institution of marriage. Institution sounds so cold. And marriage is anything but cold. I have never been a relationship girl, I grew…
oh, just be quiet
So, I was supposed to go to a writing retreat at the beach this weekend. A month ago it sounded really good and interesting and as it got closer I…
Who decided that women live in nests?
I am an empty nester. What does that mean? My nest is empty? I guess I didn’t realize I was living in a nest, but okay. What I do know…
Being a woman is complicated
Being a woman today is complicated. But life is complicated. I think men and women are equally confused as to what is acceptable and proper nowadays. Some men have…
Letting go is not easy
2017 was a transition year 2017 was a transition year. It was a year of letting go of a long time relationship that wasn’t working anymore. I spent…
I’m not angry
Why should you be reading this? Why should you be reading this? I don’t claim to be a fantastic writer, but I do have something to say. I want to…