My husband and I moved to Portland Oregon over 20 years ago with our 3 month old daughter. We were living in San Francisco and both working full time, but after we had our baby we wanted a different lifestyle. We had often talked about moving out of the fast pace lifestyle of the Bay […]
I feel like when I write I use one side of me, and when I create art I use the other. They are in many ways opposing sides. When I am drawing I could be in the middle of a construction site and the noise wouldn’t bother me. When I am writing I need complete […]
I will never ask anyone to change again. Looking back I can’t believe I wasted so much time trying to get other people to change so that I could feel better. So, how does that work? If someone changes their attitude about me, then that immediately makes me a better person? Too bad it doesn’t […]
I sat in my backyard crying into my phone. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was grasping at straws to try and make sense of my life, so I called my mom. My mother and I had always had a turbulent relationship of being very close, and then not talking at […]
This week, I broke through a self imposed barrier. I built a fence around me years ago mostly for my own protection. I lived my life based on survival, and not based on being fulfilled. The restrictions I placed on myself worked for a long time by keeping me alive. I thought I was doing […]
Change and growth isn’t easy. It is one thing to talk about it, and to think about it, but it is another to take action. Taking action is hard. It isn’t just setting aside time to work on changes that I want to make, it is all the mental and emotional roadblocks that come up […]
Yesterday after work I had an appointment to get my nails done. There was an accident, so traffic was delayed for over an hour which is rare for Portland. I tried to find a clear road to get over the bridge to my appointment, but every road was gridlocked. This situation a year ago would […]
What if you couldn’t ask questions if you were confused? What if you couldn’t defend yourself if someone was treating you unfairly? What if you couldn’t cry when you were sad, or laugh when something struck you as funny? Growing up the youngest girl in a family that I never understood and who never understood […]
She had large green eyes, long sandy blonde hair and stood tall at 5′ 8″. She signed up with Barbizon Modeling Agency to become a model at 16. They made her cut her long locks into a shoulder length bob. She cried in the bathroom for hours about it. I heard her. I felt bad […]
I remember sitting at my dining room table as a kid as my parents asked my brothers what they wanted to do with their lives. My mom and dad would listen to their answers and offer advice. I listened too. I was interested in the conversation, as it was exciting to me to think about […]
I used to write frantically in my journal trying to figure other people out. Why was my mom ignoring me? Why were my sisters not on my side? Why was my boss picking on me? Why was my husband not paying as much attention to me? Sometimes, I wanted to crawl inside my journal and […]
I want to connect with women to help them feel more empowered, and also empower myself along the way. I feel the need in our society for the healing of women, and I also feel the calling in myself to be a part of it. My story of growing up with narcissistic parents that devalued […]
I used to love to watch “Project Runway” when Heidi Klum was the host of the show. Before Netflix, and all the streaming services, we used to buy DVDs of complete seasons of TV shows. I had the first 7 seasons of Project Runway and my daughter and I used to sit and watch them […]
My brain likes routine and predictability. But if my routine gets too predictable then it rebels. So, is there a happy medium? Is there a way that I can challenge myself enough to make my life interesting without sending my mind into 24 hour thought overdrive? If there is, I haven’t found that place. The […]
Writing saved my life. When I was growing up in abuse and chaos, the fact that I could write down my true feelings in my journal literally saved my life. I didn’t talk to my family, friends, or tell anyone about my experiences. I hid it, and hid all my feelings about it. I only […]
Why do I like Los Angeles so much? As the plane descends, I see a layer of smog coating the city, and I smile. The air is so clear and clean in Oregon, so it is nice to see the dirt of a city rise up into the air. There is dirt because everyone is […]
So, I did it. I reserved an art gallery space for my first art show. It is going to be on Thursday night July 25th. I researched and found the perfect spot that will let me have the whole space. The gallery will make it official and put my name on the wall like a […]
It is warm, about 95 degrees. I am drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. My body is used to the moisture in the air, not the dry heat of Las Vegas. My hotel is at the end of the strip and my taxi drives me through all of the lights and action to get […]
Why do I care if people like me? Why is it so important that other people think that I am ‘nice’? Is this something that is taught to girls at a young age? I don’t know, but I do know that wanting to be liked has caused me more pain than pleasure. And how do […]
I am ok now, and I will be ok in the future. I feel good today, after a couple weeks of self doubt and being unmotivated. Now I know that these negative feelings will come, and then they will go. They are like waves on the beach. I just need to watch them roll in, […]
I am bored with myself. This morning I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like turning my brain off and thinking about nothing. I don’t want to be challenged, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want to write this. Is it time to stop writing my blog? Is it time to […]
There is a meaning, expression, sadness, hope and a beauty that comes to life when I paint. There is a power in it. Thoughts and dreams that don’t have words yet, have forms and colors. These forms and colors are what I paint. They are my future, my past and my present. They just are. […]
When was it that I decided that I had to jump through hoops so that people would like me? When did I decide that I wasn’t good enough just how I am? I have been thinking about these questions this week, as I had a hard week. Someone who I thought was a friend and […]
Love is the most important thing. I love my husband and my daughter, they are my core, they are my earth. Without them I feel like I would be floating in the air. They tether me to the ground, and bring me back down from the clouds. I tend to live in my head and […]
Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a part of me was still in the mountains. I wasn’t fully present back at my job, as I longed to return to the simplicity of […]
I have been afraid of looking inside myself and being completely overwhelmed by all that is there. My fear has led me to look everywhere and anywhere but inside of me, at my own feelings and emotions. I have figured out ways to not look inside, and these ways became patterns in my life. These […]
I had a dream last night that I was alone and running from something. The first part of my dream I was sitting on the lawn of the house I grew up in, and the rest of my dream I was running through a make believe city. I think I was searching for a ride, […]
I am slowly changing into a different person. I feel it. My old critical reactions to situations come into my mind sometimes and before I can voice the negative words, the feeling floats away. The feeling fades, the words don’t come out of my mouth and I see the beauty in a situation. I used […]
It is snowing here in Portland Oregon today, and I am grateful that I am in my warm house. As I get older I feel like I can’t handle the cold as much as I did when I was younger. I like looking at it, but go out in it? No thanks! Probably because I […]
I am in midlife, or at least I think I am. I am 53 years old, so does that put me in the midlife category or maybe the post midlife category? I hear some women as young as 35 saying that they are in midlife, so the term confuses me. In our society’s eyes I […]
“What do you know about empowering women? You can’t pass yourself off as an expert if you are not! I don’t think your idea is going to work.” These are the words I heard a little over a year ago from a coach at a very reputable coaching firm when I presented my idea of […]
So, what is the challenge part? That hopefully we look and feel better than we did 10 years ago, or at least that we haven’t completely gone off the rails. I got curious about it when I had a hard time remembering what I was doing in 2009. I had to figure it out from […]
So, I slept for 12 hours last night, and I just starting writing at 11:00 AM. I usually am almost done writing by now, but today I am slow moving. The sun is out and my cat is laying on the window sill soaking it in. I feel like my cat today. I just want […]
This year is no different than any other year. I still have my history, my faults, my stubbornness and my tendency to withdraw into my own world. Except this year it is worse. It is worse because I can’t use any of my old excuses that worked so well to keep me comfortable and in […]
I notice as my dreams slowly start to become reality there is a part of me that wants to slow everything down. I start to turn apathetic, and devalue my accomplishments. No one is telling me to slow down, I am not getting negative feedback, it is a voice within me. The way I view […]
Do I deserve all the love I have in my life right now? My body feels anxious and I have to focus to keep my mind from looking for danger. My mind always looks for danger, threatening situations, and hurtful people. Even if there is no danger in the present, my mind is good at […]
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I am attracted to some people immediately just by being in their presence. That is how it was with Kathlyn and me. As soon as I met her, I just knew we were going to be in each other’s lives for a long time. […]
2018! Where did the year go? I have been reflecting a lot about where I was at the beginning of this year. I know I was in a completely different place. But where? I was scared for sure! Every new step I took, it felt like I was looking around me to see if anyone […]
Last week was hard. I had conflicting emotions and my inner dialogue would not be quiet. I felt like there was a parrot in my head repeating all my conversations back to me. I felt like I was starting to doubt everything I was doing, and I had a recurring thought in my head all […]
Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why do I feel the need to prove myself, and make them see me in a different light?Why does it become so important to me to convince them that I am a good person with good intentions? […]
Has my body ever really been my own? Has my body ever really been my own? I mean really mine! Has there ever been a time that I could do whatever I wanted with it and not fear other people’s judgement? I was born with my body and it is attached to my brain. I […]
I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink. We used to have friends that would come over to our house and drink diet cokes all night and my husband and I used to laugh at them behind their backs. How boring! How many […]
I have given up everything. No alcohol, no toxic relationships, no negative self talk. These were my addictions. These addictions were predictable and safe. They had a definite pattern. The pattern started out with me feeling vaguely unworthy and out of sorts. When this feeling would start I would think that if I let it continue […]
This time last year I joined a midlife women’s group in search of some answers to my dissatisfaction with life. I was sure that other women my age were struggling too, so I was surprised to find the group only had about 8 women in it. Out of the 8, I made a connection with […]
I used to have anxiety about my anxiety. My mind would just keep going in circles thinking about my life. Why didn’t I do that? Why am I doing this? Did I make the best choice? I was working, talking to people, being social and moving forward but my mind was elsewhere. I felt like […]
The night I met my husband, I had been moving all day and he offered to come over to help me set up my furniture in my new place. He helped me put the bed together and we got in it, and from that day forward we never left each other’s side. Even though I […]
I can’t choose what life throws at me, but I can choose how I respond to it. No one can get into my head and tell me how to feel or how to act. Even though sometimes it feels like someone else is pulling the strings to make me act a certain way, ultimately it […]
I know the most important thing is that I matter to myself, but I want to matter to other people. I want to have a voice and an opinion that is heard. If I speak and no one cares or listens, did I really speak? Did my words mean anything? What happens when you grew […]
My house is quiet. A quietness I would have been so grateful for when my daughter was a baby. I never got quiet unless by some miracle she took a nap, I got all the tidying up done, was able to take a shower and then sit. I would have tried to read or do […]
I sat on the bed in the hotel room and stared at the Apple laptop I had just purchased. I tapped on some random keys to try and make something happen. Where is the Microsoft Word and Excel? I have to download it? Huh? Where is the mouse, and how do I use this little […]
I arrived in London almost a week ago with my 20 year old daughter. We settled into our 3 story 2 bedroom 2 bath Airbnb in Knightsbridge, London just a short walk from the famous Harrods Department store. We scouted out good restaurants, the Underground train, and shopping pretty quickly. And I found a wonderful cafe […]
Is it possible that I felt love as a child at the same time I was trying to survive? How can that be? What I can tell you is that I felt what I thought was love for my mother. I can tell you that I wanted her attention and I wanted her to smile […]
I used to feel like I was that little metal ball in a pinball machine being hit in different directions by outside forces. I would try and stay in the game and maybe get some points on the board while reacting to everyone and everything around me. I had vague ideas of where I wanted […]
Sometimes I feel like I just want to fail at something, so I set up a challenge and then purposely break my own rules so that I can feel bad about myself. I recently set up one of these challenges and named it “The 23 Day Challenge”. The challenge is that I won’t eat carbs, […]
So, it’s my sister’s 60th birthday today, and I sent her a card and texted her and wished her the best. I am not attending a huge birthday bash with all my siblings and friends tonight to honor my sister being 60 years on this earth. I am not seeing her, I am not even […]
As I walked to the photography studio, my stomach had butterflies and I felt a little nauseous. Why was I so anxious? I searched my mind for the cause of my anxiety. Everything had been going well so there was no reason for me to feel anxious. In fact, things were going better than well. […]
When my life first started to unravel I decided the answer was to move to Redondo Beach which is close to Los Angeles. I had lived there until I was 7 years old and hadn’t been back. But when my daughter wanted to see UCLA on her college tours, I booked a hotel there. When […]
What made me start this journey, and how do I know when I am where I want to be? I started about 4 years ago when I felt like I was spinning my wheels. I felt that so much of my energy was being expended and I was getting no where, like a car stuck […]
So yeah, I had a girl crush. She came into my life when I was weak. I had just got demoted from my management position to a staff position which destroyed my self esteem. I had sunk all my time and energy into being a manager and trying to get ahead only to find that […]
So I have learned an important lesson this week that maybe I should have learned a long time ago, and that is that forgiveness is about me. I always thought forgiveness meant that I was forgiving someone else for their wrong actions. That when I had had sufficient time to heal my hurt from their […]
I have to be honest. I had a rough week. I started this blog on the premise of telling my story and sometimes my story is just shitty. I honestly don’t want to write about this, but if I were to write about a different subject today I would feel like a fraud. You are taking […]
Oh, did you know that I have all the answers. If you are having difficulties I can listen, be there and make you feel better. I am loyal, and I will use all my energy to help you change your life so that you can be happier and more fulfilled. I will think about you […]
Well, it happened, and I knew it would one day. My worlds collided with one statement from a coworker, ‘Peta, I saw your Instagram account, nice detailed drawings’. I froze and stared at him and all I could say was, ‘thanks!’, but a million thoughts went through my head. Had he read my blog? My […]
Am I damaged? I used to think that I was, at the very core of me damaged or bad. And I used to use all my energy to hide my damage to others. I wanted to appear normal and fit in by saying the right thing and acting appropriately. I grew up in an abusive […]
Does anyone care that I am a nerd now? That I went from happy hours to book readings, margaritas to tea. That I went from late nights, to being excited to go to bed early so that I can get up and write. What happened to me? I used to be fun. I used to […]
I am scared of rejection. I like being liked and approved of, especially from those I care about. So, in writing about my childhood I am scared that my brothers and sisters will reject me. I am scared that they will call me and yell at me. I am scared that they might leave nasty […]
I was born old. I am the youngest girl of 6 children and was I born with a strong will. My family used to say I was 5 going on 40. At a young age I tried to understand my family dynamics but the only thing I ever felt was utterly confused. Why was my […]
I want to be loved and I want to be desired. These are two opposing dynamics within me. To me, being loved is for someone to ‘get’ me, to see me when I am spinning out of control in my own world and to throw me a life preserver or just wait patiently for me […]
So, I always hear the term “find yourself”, and I wonder what that means. I know that I feel like I am on a journey to find the real me, but I am sitting right here so how far do I have to go, and what am I really looking for? Am I looking for […]
My daughter just turned 20, and I am trying my best to give her good advice and point her in the right direction. It’s a fine line to walk between letting go and wanting her not to be hurt. But I have to let her go and let her make her own mistakes and be […]
Ok, so I admit it, I am obsessed. I can’t stop drawing and writing, and when I am not drawing and writing I am thinking about it. If someone is talking to me I am thinking about how I can capture them on paper, either by drawing them or writing about our interaction. And I […]
So, about 4 years ago I was crazed, or maybe just partly crazy. I was doing college visits with my daughter at UCLA and other Southern California colleges. We rented a white dodge charger and we drove around in the LA sun with the windows down and music blasting on the radio as we went […]
So, a week ago I bought drawing pencils, paint and paper to tap into my creative side. Mid week I went back to the art supply store to get more pens, colored pencils and paper because I got on a roll. And with like with any creative endeavor, I became obsessed. All I want to […]
So, I had this week off my financial job for spring break and my daughter and I flew to Los Angeles at the beginning of the week and had a wonderful time in the LA sun surrounded by beautiful beaches and beautiful people. The best part of this time was that I got my daughter […]
So, I saw Lisa Vanderpump last night at SUR restaurant in Los Angeles. For those of you who don’t watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, she is the queen of the show. When I saw her come in the back door, I chased her through the restaurant, iPhone in hand. I was trying not to […]
I hear the phrase all the time, “just be yourself”, as if after years of hiding myself and creating a persona to navigate the world, it will all of a sudden fall away like a snake shedding its skin and I will indeed be myself. As if it was that easy. There is a reason […]
I have a body that everyone can see, it is my physical form. But then I have boundaries that no one sees but my soul. My boundary is invisible to everyone but me. My boundary is there to protect my emotions because my emotions are bigger than my body. Because my spirit and emotions go […]
So, I went to an Old School Throwback Jam concert last night, which was basically an 80’s dance party. It only took up 1/2 of the concert arena because they couldn’t sell enough tickets to fill the whole place. But it felt like the whole city was there as no one sat down for the […]
I laid on the couch unable to move. My daughter looked at my sheepishly, and asked quietly. “Are you okay mom?”. I nodded and went back to binge watching Sex and the City. Either I didn’t remember many of the episodes or I had never seen them. They were good! Carrie living an amazing life […]
So, on Instagram today @girl_unfiltered asked the question of how celebrity nude selfies effect young women’s self-esteem. So, I asked my 19 year old daughter this question as she was getting ready to go out with friends. “What?” she said as she looked through my walk-in closet to borrow some jeans. I asked […]
I was exhausted , hungover, depressed. But I kept it all inside, and wondered why I felt so bad. None of the people in my life had asked me to do any of the things I did for them. I did everything of my own free will and I didn’t see I was creating my […]
Marriage. It is a wonderful, miraculous state. The institution of marriage. Institution sounds so cold. And marriage is anything but cold. I have never been a relationship girl, I grew up with parents that didn’t like each other and stayed together anyway. It wasn’t always that way for them, they were deeply in love when […]
So, I was supposed to go to a writing retreat at the beach this weekend. A month ago it sounded really good and interesting and as it got closer I thought of what it would mean to spend Friday through Monday focusing on my writing with a group of women that I didn’t really know […]
I am an empty nester. What does that mean? My nest is empty? I guess I didn’t realize I was living in a nest, but okay. What I do know is that my daughter is a sophomore in college living 3 hours away and I couldn’t be more proud of her. I miss her a […]
Being a woman today is complicated. But life is complicated. I think men and women are equally confused as to what is acceptable and proper nowadays. Some men have been brought up in households that they were taught they are superior to women, then they get out in the world and don’t understand the […]
2017 was a transition year 2017 was a transition year. It was a year of letting go of a long time relationship that wasn’t working anymore. I spent many sleepless nights last year going over and over our conversations in my head, and many days exhausted and sad thinking about how to get […]
Why should you be reading this? Why should you be reading this? I don’t claim to be a fantastic writer, but I do have something to say. I want to change the way we talk to each other about women and relationships. But before we can change it, we have to become aware of the […]
