Today is March 28th, 2020. Four years ago today I made the decision and the choice to stop drinking alcohol. I became Sober! Why? There is not one clear answer to that question. Up until that point, I had used […]
Last time that I went to get my hair blown out at Drybar I complained that they didn’t get my curls exactly right. I like my bangs to swoop with no curl, and then medium size curls on the sides […]
I took the day off work yesterday. I felt like I needed to catch my breathe. Between the stock market volatility and the virus, and preparing for my art show and my divorce, I was feeling overwhelmed. I needed just […]
I am not panicking. My screen is red and I click the minimize button so I don’t have to see the market going down. The market doesn’t like uncertainty, and the coronavirus is an uncertain entity. But, I have been […]
Did I waste my time? That seems like it is always the question when leaving a marriage, especially after 20 or more years. Everything ends at one point or another, so if I say that I wasted my time doing […]
So, I think my coffee cream went bad. Is it supposed to be like whipping cream? I could walk down to the convenience store that is half a block from my home and grab some fresh cream, but I don’t […]
So here I go, RAW Artists – Natural Born Artists asked me to come back and be a part of their Premiere Show in downtown Los Angeles on March 18th. It’s a Wednesday. I will have to work at my […]
I attended a Masterclass yesterday about diving deep into what is blocking me from going to the next level. Part of the reason I moved to Los Angeles is to reach a bigger audience with my art and writing, and […]
Last week was hard. It started out on an eerie cloudy Sunday. They weren’t just clouds though, it was a thick impenetrable wall of white surrounding the city. I went for a walk on the beach that morning and the […]
Today I turn in my Oregon driver’s license for a California one. Another part of my past falling away from me. I feel like a snake shedding its skin, layer after layer of the person I used to be is […]
2017 was a year of discovery and information gathering for me. I attended networking events, showed up at a variety of Meet Ups, and went to dozens of book readings. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, but […]
What mends a broken heart? If time was the answer then all broken hearts would be mended eventually, but some people never heal their hearts. So, I don’t think its time alone. My broken heart is about the past, of […]
I did something different this New Year’s Eve. I knew I wanted to do something to celebrate all my changes in 2019, and bring in 2020 with a commitment to more changes, so I googled New Year’s Eve workshops in […]
Healing takes time. I noticed that I am going in waves. Some days I wake up and I feel like I am 25 years old, and I jump out of bed and can’t get down to the beach fast enough […]
I finally took my large Queen painting out of the box that she was transported in from Oregon to Redondo Beach and hung her up this weekend. I am not sure why it took me so long to do that. […]
I began this year by asking my Instagram friends what their word for the year was, and then drawing an illustration of them with that word. I ran a contest, and whoever commented on the Instagram post, received an illustration […]
I am in a transition. I believe I did my job as a mother because my daughter is self sufficient and has her own life at 21 years old. She will graduate college soon and start her journey of finding […]
I lived in the Marina District in San Francisco in my 20’s. I moved there a few years after a massive earthquake devastated it. The earthquake knocked buildings off their foundations, created massive craters in the streets, and caused fires […]
“You are now free to move about the cabin” , we have all heard this saying when we fly. In other words until you hear that ding in the airplane, don’t get out of your seat because you might fall […]
‘Place is important!’, the organizer confirmed as I shared with the ladies in the midlife group how Redondo Beach, California had a pull for me. I joined this group 3 years ago in hopes of gaining some clarity on the […]
This is the last blog post I will write from my home in Portland Oregon. This is the last Saturday I will spend sitting in my bed in this home looking out the window to the blue grey morning sky […]
I don’t think I really understood what a ‘hot springs’ was until I went to Brietenbush Hot Springs for the first time a few months ago in March. It is a naturally occurring hot tub in the earth. There are […]
In February of this year, just 8 months ago, I thought I was too old to attend a workshop on how to use Instagram to grow my art business. I am 54 years old, and I remember dreading showing up […]
Do you ever have anxiety? I mean stomach churning, headache causing anxiety? I remember having it as a child, but I didn’t get it as much as an adult. Not because I was immune to getting it, but because there […]
It is 7:15AM the day of my LA Queens Art Show. I went to bed at 2AM after going out with my daughter to explore the LA nightlife. But I am not tired. My heart is beating with a feeling […]
I was tested this weekend, as Friday night I went to get a pedicure after work and I did not feel like painting when I got home. I was like an unruly child throwing a tantrum in my head and […]
My dad was born in England but never liked it, so as a little boy he would tell everyone that he was going to America. He met my mom when he was 19 years old, they got married and had […]
I am at the Oregon Coast this weekend. My husband, daughter and I have been coming here every summer since we moved to Oregon from California over 20 years ago. We used to rent a house that had no Wi-Fi […]
My husband and I moved to Portland Oregon over 20 years ago with our 3 month old daughter. We were living in San Francisco and both working full time, but after we had our baby we wanted a different lifestyle. […]
I feel like when I write I use one side of me, and when I create art I use the other. They are in many ways opposing sides. When I am drawing I could be in the middle of a […]
I will never ask anyone to change again. Looking back I can’t believe I wasted so much time trying to get other people to change so that I could feel better. So, how does that work? If someone changes their […]
I sat in my backyard crying into my phone. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was grasping at straws to try and make sense of my life, so I called my mom. My mother and I […]
This week, I broke through a self imposed barrier. I built a fence around me years ago mostly for my own protection. I lived my life based on survival, and not based on being fulfilled. The restrictions I placed on […]
Change and growth isn’t easy. It is one thing to talk about it, and to think about it, but it is another to take action. Taking action is hard. It isn’t just setting aside time to work on changes that […]
Yesterday after work I had an appointment to get my nails done. There was an accident, so traffic was delayed for over an hour which is rare for Portland. I tried to find a clear road to get over the […]
What if you couldn’t ask questions if you were confused? What if you couldn’t defend yourself if someone was treating you unfairly? What if you couldn’t cry when you were sad, or laugh when something struck you as funny? Growing […]
She had large green eyes, long sandy blonde hair and stood tall at 5′ 8″. She signed up with Barbizon Modeling Agency to become a model at 16. They made her cut her long locks into a shoulder length bob. […]
I remember sitting at my dining room table as a kid as my parents asked my brothers what they wanted to do with their lives. My mom and dad would listen to their answers and offer advice. I listened too. […]
I used to write frantically in my journal trying to figure other people out. Why was my mom ignoring me? Why were my sisters not on my side? Why was my boss picking on me? Why was my husband not […]
I want to connect with women to help them feel more empowered, and also empower myself along the way. I feel the need in our society for the healing of women, and I also feel the calling in myself to […]
I used to love to watch “Project Runway” when Heidi Klum was the host of the show. Before Netflix, and all the streaming services, we used to buy DVDs of complete seasons of TV shows. I had the first 7 […]
My brain likes routine and predictability. But if my routine gets too predictable then it rebels. So, is there a happy medium? Is there a way that I can challenge myself enough to make my life interesting without sending my […]
Writing saved my life. When I was growing up in abuse and chaos, the fact that I could write down my true feelings in my journal literally saved my life. I didn’t talk to my family, friends, or tell anyone […]
Why do I like Los Angeles so much? As the plane descends, I see a layer of smog coating the city, and I smile. The air is so clear and clean in Oregon, so it is nice to see the […]
So, I did it. I reserved an art gallery space for my first art show. It is going to be on Thursday night July 25th. I researched and found the perfect spot that will let me have the whole space. […]
It is warm, about 95 degrees. I am drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. My body is used to the moisture in the air, not the dry heat of Las Vegas. My hotel is at the end of the […]
Why do I care if people like me? Why is it so important that other people think that I am ‘nice’? Is this something that is taught to girls at a young age? I don’t know, but I do know […]
I am bored with myself. This morning I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like turning my brain off and thinking about nothing. I don’t want to be challenged, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want […]
There is a meaning, expression, sadness, hope and a beauty that comes to life when I paint. There is a power in it. Thoughts and dreams that don’t have words yet, have forms and colors. These forms and colors are […]
When was it that I decided that I had to jump through hoops so that people would like me? When did I decide that I wasn’t good enough just how I am? I have been thinking about these questions this […]
Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a part of me was still in the mountains. I wasn’t […]
I have been afraid of looking inside myself and being completely overwhelmed by all that is there. My fear has led me to look everywhere and anywhere but inside of me, at my own feelings and emotions. I have figured […]
I had a dream last night that I was alone and running from something. The first part of my dream I was sitting on the lawn of the house I grew up in, and the rest of my dream I […]
I am slowly changing into a different person. I feel it. My old critical reactions to situations come into my mind sometimes and before I can voice the negative words, the feeling floats away. The feeling fades, the words don’t […]
It is snowing here in Portland Oregon today, and I am grateful that I am in my warm house. As I get older I feel like I can’t handle the cold as much as I did when I was younger. […]
I am in midlife, or at least I think I am. I am 53 years old, so does that put me in the midlife category or maybe the post midlife category? I hear some women as young as 35 saying […]
“What do you know about empowering women? You can’t pass yourself off as an expert if you are not! I don’t think your idea is going to work.” These are the words I heard a little over a year ago […]
So, what is the challenge part? That hopefully we look and feel better than we did 10 years ago, or at least that we haven’t completely gone off the rails. I got curious about it when I had a hard […]
So, I slept for 12 hours last night, and I just starting writing at 11:00 AM. I usually am almost done writing by now, but today I am slow moving. The sun is out and my cat is laying on […]
This year is no different than any other year. I still have my history, my faults, my stubbornness and my tendency to withdraw into my own world. Except this year it is worse. It is worse because I can’t use […]
I notice as my dreams slowly start to become reality there is a part of me that wants to slow everything down. I start to turn apathetic, and devalue my accomplishments. No one is telling me to slow down, I […]
Do I deserve all the love I have in my life right now? My body feels anxious and I have to focus to keep my mind from looking for danger. My mind always looks for danger, threatening situations, and hurtful […]
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I am attracted to some people immediately just by being in their presence. That is how it was with Kathlyn and me. As soon as I met her, I […]
2018! Where did the year go? I have been reflecting a lot about where I was at the beginning of this year. I know I was in a completely different place. But where? I was scared for sure! Every new […]
Last week was hard. I had conflicting emotions and my inner dialogue would not be quiet. I felt like there was a parrot in my head repeating all my conversations back to me. I felt like I was starting to […]
Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why do I feel the need to prove myself, and make them see me in a different light?Why does it become so […]
Has my body ever really been my own? Has my body ever really been my own? I mean really mine! Has there ever been a time that I could do whatever I wanted with it and not fear other people’s […]
I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink. We used to have friends that would come over to our house and drink diet cokes all night and my […]
I have given up everything. No alcohol, no toxic relationships, no negative self talk. These were my addictions. These addictions were predictable and safe. They had a definite pattern. The pattern started out with me feeling vaguely unworthy and out of […]
This time last year I joined a midlife women’s group in search of some answers to my dissatisfaction with life. I was sure that other women my age were struggling too, so I was surprised to find the group only […]
I used to have anxiety about my anxiety. My mind would just keep going in circles thinking about my life. Why didn’t I do that? Why am I doing this? Did I make the best choice? I was working, talking […]
The night I met my husband, I had been moving all day and he offered to come over to help me set up my furniture in my new place. He helped me put the bed together and we got in […]
I can’t choose what life throws at me, but I can choose how I respond to it. No one can get into my head and tell me how to feel or how to act. Even though sometimes it feels like […]
I know the most important thing is that I matter to myself, but I want to matter to other people. I want to have a voice and an opinion that is heard. If I speak and no one cares or […]
My house is quiet. A quietness I would have been so grateful for when my daughter was a baby. I never got quiet unless by some miracle she took a nap, I got all the tidying up done, was able […]
I sat on the bed in the hotel room and stared at the Apple laptop I had just purchased. I tapped on some random keys to try and make something happen. Where is the Microsoft Word and Excel? I have […]
I arrived in London almost a week ago with my 20 year old daughter. We settled into our 3 story 2 bedroom 2 bath Airbnb in Knightsbridge, London just a short walk from the famous Harrods Department store. We scouted […]
Is it possible that I felt love as a child at the same time I was trying to survive? How can that be? What I can tell you is that I felt what I thought was love for my mother. […]
I used to feel like I was that little metal ball in a pinball machine being hit in different directions by outside forces. I would try and stay in the game and maybe get some points on the board while […]
Sometimes I feel like I just want to fail at something, so I set up a challenge and then purposely break my own rules so that I can feel bad about myself. I recently set up one of these challenges […]
So, it’s my sister’s 60th birthday today, and I sent her a card and texted her and wished her the best. I am not attending a huge birthday bash with all my siblings and friends tonight to honor my sister […]
As I walked to the photography studio, my stomach had butterflies and I felt a little nauseous. Why was I so anxious? I searched my mind for the cause of my anxiety. Everything had been going well so there was […]
When my life first started to unravel I decided the answer was to move to Redondo Beach which is close to Los Angeles. I had lived there until I was 7 years old and hadn’t been back. But when my […]
What made me start this journey, and how do I know when I am where I want to be? I started about 4 years ago when I felt like I was spinning my wheels. I felt that so much of […]
So yeah, I had a girl crush. She came into my life when I was weak. I had just got demoted from my management position to a staff position which destroyed my self esteem. I had sunk all my time […]
So I have learned an important lesson this week that maybe I should have learned a long time ago, and that is that forgiveness is about me. I always thought forgiveness meant that I was forgiving someone else for their […]
I have to be honest. I had a rough week. I started this blog on the premise of telling my story and sometimes my story is just shitty. I honestly don’t want to write about this, but if I were to […]
Oh, did you know that I have all the answers. If you are having difficulties I can listen, be there and make you feel better. I am loyal, and I will use all my energy to help you change your […]
Well, it happened, and I knew it would one day. My worlds collided with one statement from a coworker, ‘Peta, I saw your Instagram account, nice detailed drawings’. I froze and stared at him and all I could say was, […]
Am I damaged? I used to think that I was, at the very core of me damaged or bad. And I used to use all my energy to hide my damage to others. I wanted to appear normal and fit […]
Does anyone care that I am a nerd now? That I went from happy hours to book readings, margaritas to tea. That I went from late nights, to being excited to go to bed early so that I can get […]
I am scared of rejection. I like being liked and approved of, especially from those I care about. So, in writing about my childhood I am scared that my brothers and sisters will reject me. I am scared that they […]
I was born old. I am the youngest girl of 6 children and was I born with a strong will. My family used to say I was 5 going on 40. At a young age I tried to understand my […]
I want to be loved and I want to be desired. These are two opposing dynamics within me. To me, being loved is for someone to ‘get’ me, to see me when I am spinning out of control in my […]
So, I always hear the term “find yourself”, and I wonder what that means. I know that I feel like I am on a journey to find the real me, but I am sitting right here so how far do […]
