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Saving Myself

I thought that who I created to survive was really me, but it wasn’t. My defense mechanisms are not my personality. I do have needs, I do have wants, I do want to be loved and treated like I am special. And before anyone else can meet my needs, I have to be honest with myself about where I came from and meet my own needs. In accepting the child that I was and all that happened to her, I am also accepting her strength, resilience and beauty.

What’s Next?

What do I want next? I have come so far from the woman I was, who didn’t speak her mind and remained quiet in toxic situations. I feel like I am finally at the point that I am starting to look forward, and not back. Now, instead of being motivated by what I don’t want, I want to intentionally move towards what I do want, but what is that?

Sobriety healed me

I had no idea that becoming sober would lead me to heal my past, and literally become a different person. Maybe different is the wrong word, because I am truly myself now. I am no longer a collection of other people’s needs of what they want me to be. Sobriety allowed me to come out of hiding, and show my authentic self. I no longer look back at the child that I was with a heavy heart, but with pride and happiness. I hope that my mother loved me, but I am no longer in desperate need of her love. Because I have learned that love is not a desperate and needy exchange of validating each other. Love is a calm and steady state of being, that requires no outside validation or substance. Love is already in us, we just have to let go of all the messages that tell us that we don’t deserve it.

Be still and feel

I had put yoga above everything, and I had disengaged in being fully present in the rest of my life. Tulum didn’t let me float through my 8 days there in my yoga poses believing that I was superior to others because of my dedication. It broke me down flat, it made me engage with others, it took me beyond my physical comfort zone to the point that I wanted to leave 2 days after I got there. It brought me to a place I didn’t want to be; the present moment.

The Light of January

I used to hate January because it marked the end of the Holiday Season and all the twinkling lights came down and were put away. It made me sad not to have the lights of the holidays to warm my heart and bring me joy. January always seemed dark and cold, with no days off from work. I never used to see January as a new beginning, more of a month to get through so that I could get to warmer weather, and something to look forward to. But this year, I feel different.

Learning to Shine my Light

Sharing my journey through writing is my purpose. It is my contribution to society for anyone who is in the dark place that I was in, and wants to get out. The dark place is really the weight of other people’s opinions about you, that you have taken on, that most of the time are not true. And to make it worse, often times the person that is manipulating you, is also your source of validation. I am here to show you, that you can untangle the web of confusing wanting love, with needing attention and validation at any cost.

Taking up Space

The first step to making meaningful change is to take a step back from your current life. I had to create space in order to make changes. All my actions and thoughts that created my life to be a certain way, had to be analyzed and challenged. I wasn’t happy, so I couldn’t keep doing the same things, and expect to be happy.

The Space around Me

The invisible bubble around me is what protects me from being completely dependent on outside sources to make me feel alive. It is my world; the real me. It is what other people are attracted to, or repelled by when they meet me. It is the space where I can decide to say yes, or no in the moment. It is the space that protects me from entering toxic situations.

My Mother didn’t create space for me

I don’t think I ever truly processed all the hurt from my mother until she passed away. When she passed, she took away any hope of resolution of our relationship. She took away any chance that she would see me for me, who I really was, and who I really am! I didn’t want to be seen as a one dimensional object for her to reflect her emotions, I didn’t want to be her mirror anymore.

Space to Value Myself

Lately I have been realizing that life is not a race, and life is not linear. I am working towards being healthier both emotionally and physically, but I will work on this for the rest of my life. There will never come a time that I will be done, and there is no final goal to reach. If I am not growing and learning in some form, then I am stagnant, and dying.

Walking out of Survival Mode

Survival mode is about minimizing pain. It is about doing the basics so that I can have a place to live, eat and support myself and my daughter. It isn’t a place to relax into, and plan a future. I couldn’t see my future in survival mode because I was too busy trying to make it through the day. But I am slowly walking out of survival mode, and taking my time to see all the options that are available to me.

A Space to Heal

Finally, almost a year after I left my marriage, I accepted the work that I had to do on myself, and stopped dating. Facing my own demons, without being able to blame them on my marriage, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I saw my own judgement of myself and others, and my shallowness and selfishness. I wanted the people around me to make me feel good about myself, but that was not their job, that was my job. I started to see how little I was really taking care of my mental health, and realized that my real work was learning how to hold space for myself to heal, and to dream again.

Something for myself

Despite my sadness and feeling lost, I knew I wanted something for myself, but I didn’t know what it was. I had hundreds of vague ideas of what I wanted my future to look like, but when I verbalized them, I felt stupid. I wanted to have my own business, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to be an artist, I wanted a deeper fuller relationship with a man, I wanted to have closer friends. These were all ideas that would float through my head, and the one thing that they had in common was that I wanted more love in my life, and I wanted to be more engaged in life; I wanted to feel again!

I can Swim!

These last 2 years, I have been swimming alone in that cold water towards the peaceful island in the distance. There have been storms, big waves, and there have been sunny warm days too. I kept my faith and belief that I was swimming towards what I wanted, even when some days the fog completely covered the distant island. But these last few weeks I feel like I have finally reached that island. I am walking up onto the warm sandy beach and looking back at the tiny life raft way out in the ocean. Was this island always here? It was, I didn’t see it because I was so focussed on holding on to that small life raft that now is just a speck on a distant wave. I didn’t need it after all.

My week in Tulum

Being in lockdown the past 2 years turned out to be a blessing. My divorce was final in April 2020, and I used the solitude to reflect. I knew I had outgrown my marriage, and I did not regret the divorce, but there was so much hurt and confusion I still needed to process. Also, we had not been a couple for a few years, so I was curious to date…

The Cake of Life

When I first stopped drinking there was a deafening silence. It was as if loud music had been playing in my head drowning out my thoughts and all of a sudden someone turned the music off. But without the alcohol I slowly began to hear my own voice again. And it was angry! I was angry at the people around me, and angry at myself.

Where have I been?

There is a whole world of touch and affection that I have yet to feel, and I want to be present in my body for it and let go of thinking about what it means. My experience last summer opened me up to being present in romance, and going with my feelings rather than being guarded. Even though it ended and I had a hard time letting go, I still smile when I think about him. I would have never experienced his blue eyed lustful gaze if I didn’t walk away from someone who saw me as a chore to deal with. He was part of my transition out of my past, and into my future.

I am ‘still’ me

Last week my daughter came to live with me. After almost 2 years of living in Southern California alone, I am no longer alone. She is the last piece in the first part of my journey. Her coming here marks the end of the generational toxic family pattern in our lives.

It made me realize that the past five years have been all about escaping from the clutch of toxic situations and becoming aware of them. The heavy lifting is done, and now starts the real work of healing that insecure me underneath.

My Purpose

I was meant to write and tell the story of my family who hid their whole lives, and died with their secrets. I am here to take away their shame and show their light through my words and my eyes. Because through all that they suffered and endured in life they had hope and a belief that a better life was possible, and that is the energy that they passed along to me.