Being in lockdown the past 2 years turned out to be a blessing. My divorce was final in April 2020, and I used the solitude to reflect. I knew I had outgrown my marriage, and I did not regret the divorce, but there was so much hurt and confusion I still needed to process. Also, we had not been a couple for a few years, so I was curious to date…
My first step in healing was admitting that I was stuck, and that I didn’t have the answers of how to get unstuck. I knew that my mental health was spiraling downwards and it became a challenge just to get through the day. I was married, but spent most of my time alone to avoid conflict.
When I first stopped drinking there was a deafening silence. It was as if loud music had been playing in my head drowning out my thoughts and all of a sudden someone turned the music off. But without the alcohol I slowly began to hear my own voice again. And it was angry! I was angry at the people around me, and angry at myself.
I can’t change the past and the choices I made, or the thoughts that I had about myself, but I can embrace the joy that has been with me all along. Somewhere along the way I decided that I wasn’t good enough to feel that joy anymore, but I am slowly learning that I am