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No, I am not dating anyone, not seeing anyone special, not engaged, married or even thinking about a man, but I took myself out on a date for the day and came home to pure joy, and I am in love.

I hope I have the courage to take the next step and let go of trying to control who I am, I don’t know if I do yet.

I am no longer fighting, or flighting, or playing dead. I am accepting everything about who I am, so that I can decide who I want to be.

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I thought that who I created to survive was really me, but it wasn’t. My defense mechanisms are not my personality. I do have needs, I do have wants, I do want to be loved and treated like I am special. And before anyone else can meet my needs, I have to be honest with myself about where I came from and meet my own needs. In accepting the child that I was and all that happened to her, I am also accepting her strength, resilience and beauty.

What do I want next? I have come so far from the woman I was, who didn’t speak her mind and remained quiet in toxic situations. I feel like I am finally at the point that I am starting to look forward, and not back. Now, instead of being motivated by what I don’t want, I want to intentionally move towards what I do want, but what is that?

Whatever happened to me in the past, in my childhood and my marriage, doesn’t have to be what happens to me in the future. I can chose to protect myself, and to be around people that appreciate what I have to offer.