There is a meaning, expression, sadness, hope and a beauty that comes to life when I paint. There is a power in it. Thoughts and dreams that don’t have words yet, have forms and colors. These forms and colors are […]
When was it that I decided that I had to jump through hoops so that people would like me? When did I decide that I wasn’t good enough just how I am? I have been thinking about these questions this […]
Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a part of me was still in the mountains. I wasn’t […]
I have been afraid of looking inside myself and being completely overwhelmed by all that is there. My fear has led me to look everywhere and anywhere but inside of me, at my own feelings and emotions. I have figured […]
I had a dream last night that I was alone and running from something. The first part of my dream I was sitting on the lawn of the house I grew up in, and the rest of my dream I […]
I am slowly changing into a different person. I feel it. My old critical reactions to situations come into my mind sometimes and before I can voice the negative words, the feeling floats away. The feeling fades, the words don’t […]
It is snowing here in Portland Oregon today, and I am grateful that I am in my warm house. As I get older I feel like I can’t handle the cold as much as I did when I was younger. […]
I am in midlife, or at least I think I am. I am 53 years old, so does that put me in the midlife category or maybe the post midlife category? I hear some women as young as 35 saying […]
“What do you know about empowering women? You can’t pass yourself off as an expert if you are not! I don’t think your idea is going to work.” These are the words I heard a little over a year ago […]
So, what is the challenge part? That hopefully we look and feel better than we did 10 years ago, or at least that we haven’t completely gone off the rails. I got curious about it when I had a hard […]
So, I slept for 12 hours last night, and I just starting writing at 11:00 AM. I usually am almost done writing by now, but today I am slow moving. The sun is out and my cat is laying on […]
This year is no different than any other year. I still have my history, my faults, my stubbornness and my tendency to withdraw into my own world. Except this year it is worse. It is worse because I can’t use […]
I notice as my dreams slowly start to become reality there is a part of me that wants to slow everything down. I start to turn apathetic, and devalue my accomplishments. No one is telling me to slow down, I […]
Do I deserve all the love I have in my life right now? My body feels anxious and I have to focus to keep my mind from looking for danger. My mind always looks for danger, threatening situations, and hurtful […]
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I am attracted to some people immediately just by being in their presence. That is how it was with Kathlyn and me. As soon as I met her, I […]
2018! Where did the year go? I have been reflecting a lot about where I was at the beginning of this year. I know I was in a completely different place. But where? I was scared for sure! Every new […]
Last week was hard. I had conflicting emotions and my inner dialogue would not be quiet. I felt like there was a parrot in my head repeating all my conversations back to me. I felt like I was starting to […]
Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why do I feel the need to prove myself, and make them see me in a different light?Why does it become so […]
Has my body ever really been my own? Has my body ever really been my own? I mean really mine! Has there ever been a time that I could do whatever I wanted with it and not fear other people’s […]
I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink I used to make fun of people that didn’t drink. We used to have friends that would come over to our house and drink diet cokes all night and my […]
I have given up everything. No alcohol, no toxic relationships, no negative self talk. These were my addictions. These addictions were predictable and safe. They had a definite pattern. The pattern started out with me feeling vaguely unworthy and out of […]
This time last year I joined a midlife women’s group in search of some answers to my dissatisfaction with life. I was sure that other women my age were struggling too, so I was surprised to find the group only […]
I used to have anxiety about my anxiety. My mind would just keep going in circles thinking about my life. Why didn’t I do that? Why am I doing this? Did I make the best choice? I was working, talking […]
The night I met my husband, I had been moving all day and he offered to come over to help me set up my furniture in my new place. He helped me put the bed together and we got in […]
I can’t choose what life throws at me, but I can choose how I respond to it. No one can get into my head and tell me how to feel or how to act. Even though sometimes it feels like […]
I know the most important thing is that I matter to myself, but I want to matter to other people. I want to have a voice and an opinion that is heard. If I speak and no one cares or […]
My house is quiet. A quietness I would have been so grateful for when my daughter was a baby. I never got quiet unless by some miracle she took a nap, I got all the tidying up done, was able […]
I sat on the bed in the hotel room and stared at the Apple laptop I had just purchased. I tapped on some random keys to try and make something happen. Where is the Microsoft Word and Excel? I have […]
I arrived in London almost a week ago with my 20 year old daughter. We settled into our 3 story 2 bedroom 2 bath Airbnb in Knightsbridge, London just a short walk from the famous Harrods Department store. We scouted […]
Is it possible that I felt love as a child at the same time I was trying to survive? How can that be? What I can tell you is that I felt what I thought was love for my mother. […]
I used to feel like I was that little metal ball in a pinball machine being hit in different directions by outside forces. I would try and stay in the game and maybe get some points on the board while […]
Sometimes I feel like I just want to fail at something, so I set up a challenge and then purposely break my own rules so that I can feel bad about myself. I recently set up one of these challenges […]
So, it’s my sister’s 60th birthday today, and I sent her a card and texted her and wished her the best. I am not attending a huge birthday bash with all my siblings and friends tonight to honor my sister […]
As I walked to the photography studio, my stomach had butterflies and I felt a little nauseous. Why was I so anxious? I searched my mind for the cause of my anxiety. Everything had been going well so there was […]
When my life first started to unravel I decided the answer was to move to Redondo Beach which is close to Los Angeles. I had lived there until I was 7 years old and hadn’t been back. But when my […]
What made me start this journey, and how do I know when I am where I want to be? I started about 4 years ago when I felt like I was spinning my wheels. I felt that so much of […]
So yeah, I had a girl crush. She came into my life when I was weak. I had just got demoted from my management position to a staff position which destroyed my self esteem. I had sunk all my time […]
So I have learned an important lesson this week that maybe I should have learned a long time ago, and that is that forgiveness is about me. I always thought forgiveness meant that I was forgiving someone else for their […]
I have to be honest. I had a rough week. I started this blog on the premise of telling my story and sometimes my story is just shitty. I honestly don’t want to write about this, but if I were to […]
Oh, did you know that I have all the answers. If you are having difficulties I can listen, be there and make you feel better. I am loyal, and I will use all my energy to help you change your […]
Well, it happened, and I knew it would one day. My worlds collided with one statement from a coworker, ‘Peta, I saw your Instagram account, nice detailed drawings’. I froze and stared at him and all I could say was, […]
Am I damaged? I used to think that I was, at the very core of me damaged or bad. And I used to use all my energy to hide my damage to others. I wanted to appear normal and fit […]
Does anyone care that I am a nerd now? That I went from happy hours to book readings, margaritas to tea. That I went from late nights, to being excited to go to bed early so that I can get […]
I am scared of rejection. I like being liked and approved of, especially from those I care about. So, in writing about my childhood I am scared that my brothers and sisters will reject me. I am scared that they […]
I was born old. I am the youngest girl of 6 children and was I born with a strong will. My family used to say I was 5 going on 40. At a young age I tried to understand my […]
I want to be loved and I want to be desired. These are two opposing dynamics within me. To me, being loved is for someone to ‘get’ me, to see me when I am spinning out of control in my […]
So, I always hear the term “find yourself”, and I wonder what that means. I know that I feel like I am on a journey to find the real me, but I am sitting right here so how far do […]
My daughter just turned 20, and I am trying my best to give her good advice and point her in the right direction. It’s a fine line to walk between letting go and wanting her not to be hurt. But […]
Ok, so I admit it, I am obsessed. I can’t stop drawing and writing, and when I am not drawing and writing I am thinking about it. If someone is talking to me I am thinking about how I can […]
So, about 4 years ago I was crazed, or maybe just partly crazy. I was doing college visits with my daughter at UCLA and other Southern California colleges. We rented a white dodge charger and we drove around in the […]
So, a week ago I bought drawing pencils, paint and paper to tap into my creative side. Mid week I went back to the art supply store to get more pens, colored pencils and paper because I got on a […]
So, I had this week off my financial job for spring break and my daughter and I flew to Los Angeles at the beginning of the week and had a wonderful time in the LA sun surrounded by beautiful beaches […]
So, I saw Lisa Vanderpump last night at SUR restaurant in Los Angeles. For those of you who don’t watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, she is the queen of the show. When I saw her come in the back […]
I hear the phrase all the time, “just be yourself”, as if after years of hiding myself and creating a persona to navigate the world, it will all of a sudden fall away like a snake shedding its skin and […]
So, on Instagram today @girl_unfiltered asked the question of how celebrity nude selfies effect young women’s self-esteem. So, I asked my 19 year old daughter this question as she was getting ready to go out with friends. “What?” […]
Marriage. It is a wonderful, miraculous state. The institution of marriage. Institution sounds so cold. And marriage is anything but cold. I have never been a relationship girl, I grew up with parents that didn’t like each other and stayed […]
So, I was supposed to go to a writing retreat at the beach this weekend. A month ago it sounded really good and interesting and as it got closer I thought of what it would mean to spend Friday through […]
I am an empty nester. What does that mean? My nest is empty? I guess I didn’t realize I was living in a nest, but okay. What I do know is that my daughter is a sophomore in college living […]
Being a woman today is complicated. But life is complicated. I think men and women are equally confused as to what is acceptable and proper nowadays. Some men have been brought up in households that they were taught they […]
2017 was a transition year 2017 was a transition year. It was a year of letting go of a long time relationship that wasn’t working anymore. I spent many sleepless nights last year going over and over our […]
Why should you be reading this? Why should you be reading this? I don’t claim to be a fantastic writer, but I do have something to say. I want to change the way we talk to each other about women […]
