Rewiring my Body

I am in the midst of rewiring my whole body, so it is not attracted to things that will hurt it. It is a journey back to myself and learning that the love I fought so hard to get was inside me all along.

I have been trying new things lately. Last weekend I dove head first into the ocean waves which I have always been scared to do, this week I bought a pair of inline skates and skated for the first time in 10 years, next weekend I am taking a surf lesson and playing tennis with some new friends. Last summer was my first summer in Los Angeles but the whole country was in lockdown and the beaches were closed. I spent my days reading, listening to podcasts and taking long walks by myself. But this summer is different.

I feel like my heart is pounding faster lately, and the blood pumping through my body is waking me up and giving me a renewed energy. The sadness I felt for so long about my marriage and family breaking up is finally melting away. Some days I don’t even think about it. I feel lighter, almost like I forgot something or left something behind. Then I realize it is the weight of all the confusion and self-blame of my past. I am accepting that things did not work out for a reason, and I am starting to embrace what the universe wants for me.

The universe didn’t want me to spend the rest of my life being sad and withdrawn. It wanted me to share my writing with you, and let you know that there is a way to change your life. It is not easy! My whole body and soul was addicted and intertwined with my Ex-husband. When I finally walked away, I had to relearn everything about myself, and discover some things that I never knew. The biggest things I have learned is that there is nothing inherently bad about me that deserves to be treated with disrespect and that I shouldn’t have to fight to be seen and acknowledged.

This past year and a half has been an unwinding of my old belief system, and an accepting of a new one. From the outside someone might think that being around people that respect me is easy. But it is not. Because in being treated with respect now, I have to acknowledge how badly I was treated in the past and it hurts all over again. When I was still trying to figure out why I was treated poorly, it left the door open for a small chance that there was an explanation for all the hurt I endured. But in being treated with respect, I have to accept and process all the hurt from my past, and realize there really was no reason for it. It is excruciatingly painful to accept that the person that you thought loved you didn’t actually have the capability to love you at all, at least not in a way that was healthy for both of you. It is so painful, it feels like a death. But the acceptance of this fact is what has set me free.

I am stepping into a new space. A space the feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar and a little scary because I have never been here before. A space where I am questioning everything and figuring out what I want for the future. My future doesn’t have to be like my past. What I did yesterday doesn’t have to be what I do today, or tomorrow. I can change, I can do something different and therefore create a different life. But in order to do this, I have to try things out and sometimes they will work, and sometimes they won’t.

In diving into the ocean, skating again, trying to surf and play tennis again I am disrupting what my mind believes to be possible. My body is showing my mind that I don’t have to stay where I am and be scared and stuck. I can dive head first into a wave and come out the other end, and not only did I not drown but I feel better for it. Also, it makes me realize that my fear of drowning was completely unreasonable and really kind of silly. In letting go I feel lighter and happier, and it is giving my confidence to keep pushing the envelope.

This confidence has allowed me to form new friendships with people that are genuine and caring people, it has also opened my heart to appreciate and acknowledge my good friends that have been supporting me for years. So, I am learning to say ‘no’ more easily to those people that want to come into my life and soak up all my good energy and give me nothing in return. It still gives me anxiety to state my needs and protect my boundaries but I am doing it and getting better at it. It does hurt when I state my needs and ask for respect and the other person walks away. It stings my heart to realize that if they can’t have things their way they don’t want me around. But that little sting is nothing compared to trying to form a relationship with them and getting stung every day. They are telling me their truth, they are giving me insight into the a future with them, and I am learning to listen.

I will be forever grateful for the last year of being able to heal myself in the midst of the pandemic and being forced to stay home. I will never forget my long beach walks, listening to music and looking out into the ocean with hope just starting to form in my heart. At that time, I didn’t realize all the internal work that still lay ahead. I thought getting away from my toxic marriage was all the work I had to do, but now I know that was just the beginning.

My old patterns that kept me from feeling hurt but also kept me numb to the point that I didn’t know what I needed to make me healthy and happy. I am disrupting and letting go of those old patterns. I am in the midst of rewiring my whole body, so it is not attracted to things that will hurt it. It is a journey back to myself and learning that the love I fought so hard to get was inside of me all along.