Lust is a Survival Emotion
Since I have been home for almost a year, one would think that I have processed all the hurt from my divorce, and that I am ready to move forward in my life. But the truth is, while I have done a lot of processing and letting go, I have recently realized that I have a lot more work to do.
I am addicted to a certain energy level in my life, or a certain frequency I should say. I started reading ‘Becoming Supernatural’ by Dr. Joe Dispenza, and in particular Chapter 2 ‘The Present Moment’ was eye opening to me. I started meditating this month, and I have been trying to be in the present moment, but I am having a really hard time with it. When I am meditating there is a huge part of my body and mind that can’t wait for it to be over so I can get back to my regular frequency where I currently exist, or I guess get back to my feelings that I am used to having and have now become addicted to.
There have been moments when I feel in the present, and they are fleeting but powerful. As powerful as I know it is to be in the present, my body feels uncomfortable there. It wants to get back to what it knows. By keeping thoughts of past events running through my mind, it causes my actions in the present to create a future that is similar to my past. It is the known, and it is where I am comfortable being. It is scary to let go of the way I perceive the world, and open myself up to new possibilities. It is limitless and full of potential but it is also the unknown. So, my body and mind are trapped right now in an old cycle, and the potential energy of my body is locked in a frequency of survival.
My body craves low frequency vibes, which is survival instinct energy. When I first got divorced I craved sexual intimacy. My whole body was primed and ready for it, and I thought about it constantly. I dated throughout the summer, and satisfied that, but there was always something missing. I knew that it wasn’t the answer. In reading this book I have learned that lust is the lowest frequency energy, and lust is a survival instinct. When I read that I stared at the page for a full minute letting this information sink in. How did I not know this? It explains so much about my sex drive. It also explains why I had a fear of losing my sex drive if I meditated too much. Yes, I will lose my random lust, but I have a feeling now that I will be replaced it with a desire for a deeper connection. This also shed light on toxic relationships, I can see how feeling scared and lust mixed together can ignite a combustable energy that becomes addicting. It feels like passion, but the sad truth is, it is just our bodies trying to survive.
It is hard to admit that I have done so much work on myself, but at my core I am still addicted to the past. The messages that run through my brain are still from my family of origin and from my Ex husband. They are messages that keep me trapped in survival mode, and trapped feeling that I am not good enough. My body believes and acts on these old patterns. I really do want to let go of these messages and these feelings. I don’t need to relive them day after day. I don’t need to prove anything to them anymore. I need to accept the fact that those messages are false, and always were. Somehow these messages got mixed in with attachment and feeling ‘loved’. When they approved of me and were kind I felt loved, but it was always fleeting. Because it was fleeting it made it that much more special to me, and I became addicted to trying to create those moments. In short, I was easily manipulated by them in order to have those moments where I felt loved and accepted.
I know that time in my life is over, but my body doesn’t. Our bodies are beautiful and miraculous, more complicated and more sophisticated than any computer. When I programmed my body to be addicted to being in survival mode and trying to get what my brain perceived as love, it listened to me. It did what I asked of it, and sacrificed itself to satisfy my addiction. But now I need to reprogram it to relax, and live a more peaceful existence. It is going to take time, but I will be patient and grateful, and treat it with kindness for all that it has done for me.
Life will get back to normal one day, and I will have the opportunity to make new friends, date again, and create a social circle that helps me keep my frequency high. I have the rest of my life to be around people that see the good in me and tell me so. I have the rest of my life to see the good in myself.
It is hard to break a cycle. I am like the alcoholic that stops drinking but still has a compulsive addictive personality. I have gotten away from the toxic situations in my life, but my body still craves the dopamine hits it received from being in them. Truly breaking my pattern is going to take establishing a healthier environment for my body and mind. And I can do this if I am patient with myself as I learn that in this present moment I am safe. In this present moment I can change the direction of my life, and I can live in a world that I don’t have to sacrifice myself to gain acceptance and love. That world exists, and I am on a journey to get there.