So yeah, I had a girl crush. She came into my life when I was weak. I had just got demoted from my management position to a staff position which destroyed my self esteem. I had sunk all my time and energy into being a manager and trying to get ahead only to find that it wasn’t good enough. So along she came with her charming smile and her endless compliments. She had an energy about her that lifted me out of my funk when I was around her. She was a little older than me but she said that we still had it. We would go dancing and drink red bulls and vodka, and I would laugh and feel happy and vibrant. She made me feel like everything was going to be ok. A part of me knew it was fantasy, but another part of me needed that fantasy to heal my bruised ego. I went along with things that I normally would have said no to if I hadn’t been so weak and vulnerable. She wanted to do business with me and told me constantly how smart I was, and that I had a lot to offer. I lapped it up like a starving dog. I needed it. I felt at the time I had no other options, which wasn’t true but I was so addicted to her energy and approval, that I didn’t want to see them. She said she wanted me to come in on some client acquisition meetings that would take place in Hawaii. I had never been to Hawaii and I jumped at the chance to go. We traveled together and worked hard, but she also showed me the ‘locals’ part of Hawaii that tourists didn’t know about. We went on long walks in tank tops and shorts and talked about life. I woke up early every morning with a renewed energy and ran along the beach listening to Mariah Carey and feeling like it was the beginning of a new amazing chapter in my life. How did I get so lucky to find this woman who took me under her wing when I needed it most? We were going to do great things together and be successful and support each other. She told me how much she valued my opinion and that I was her one person who kept her straight and helped in her most crucial decisions. We were helping each other, supporting each other, doing good things together. Until, well, until we weren’t. I guess there were signs and red flags from the very beginning but I chose to ignore them. I chose to defend her when others would tell me that she had a bad reputation. She was just misunderstood, I would tell them. She was a woman in a man’s world and she was being treated unfairly, she had to be tough. I would get in disagreements with her but she would always listen to my side, or so I thought. Until it came to money. I started to realize that she had no intention of sharing the spoils of all of our hard work. That hurt. And it was about the money, sure, I would lie if I said it wasn’t, but it was more about not being part of her world anymore. As soon as I really stood up for myself all the compliments and endearing comments stopped. I was greeted with a scowl and look of disappointment in her eyes. I tried to talk it out, but to no avail. I didn’t realize that I was wasting my time. She had already made up her mind about the outcome it was just a matter of whether or not I was going to accept it. We argued. It was like a break up, and it hurt. She met me when I was weak and she poured her energy into me and filled me back up with hope. Hope for the future, hope that I was still good enough, hope in that the possibilities in life still existed and I wasn’t working so hard for no reason. I needed her. She needed me. She gave me my voice back, but little did I know that voice would be used to defend myself against her. But is that such a bad thing? I was able to voice what I had to offer and explain why certain things were unacceptable, which before I met her would have been unfathomable. In learning this with her I became stronger in all of my relationships, I started standing up for myself with everyone. I had my swagger back, my self worth back all because she had lifted me out of the rut I was in and filled me with lofty ideas that on some level I knew would never happen. But I said nothing because at that time her focus and energy coming my way and giving me hope were more important to me than the truth. It didn’t last, and now I know it wasn’t meant to last. We don’t talk anymore. But, I ran into her recently and she seemed physically smaller, tired and nervous. Where was that energy that I first saw in her? Where was that smile that made me smile back? Gone. There was nothing. She apologized and I accepted, and that was it. I miss her, or I guess I can say I miss what I thought she was to me. I don’t regret anything. She was my girl crush, that woke me up and taught me to stand up and value myself. But we all know that these crushes end with someone broken hearted. And I was, I was really hurt. But if she hadn’t lifted me out of the rut I was in, I may still be there. I am in such a better place now and she played a very important part in my growth. I am forever changed from having met her. I can forgive her treatment of me, but there is really nothing to forgive. Yes, she ended up with the money, but I got myself back, and I can only thank her for that and wish her well.
My husband and I moved to Portland Oregon over 20 years ago with our 3 month old daughter. We were living in San Francisco and both working full time, but after we had our baby we wanted a different lifestyle. We had often talked about moving out of the fast pace lifestyle of the Bay […]
I feel like when I write I use one side of me, and when I create art I use the other. They are in many ways opposing sides. When I am drawing I could be in the middle of a construction site and the noise wouldn’t bother me. When I am writing I need complete […]