Be still

I was exhausted , hungover, depressed.  But I kept it all inside, and wondered why I felt so bad.  None of the people in my life had asked me to do any of the things I did for them.  I did everything of my own free will and  I didn’t see I was creating my own negative pattern.  I was trying to be everything to everyone. But I realize now I wasn’t even asking any of the people in my life what they wanted. I was giving them what I thought they needed.  So no one, including myself, was happy.  5 years ago I was so stuck in this pattern I couldn’t even see it was of my own creation and I was mad at everyone after a night of too much wine and not enough thought.  It was the evening that I was attending a charity event for  work.  My husband and I had decided to stay downtown and make a night of it.  Since we were downtown, I insisted that my husband and I go to Macy’s before the charity event to buy him a suit for my niece’s upcoming wedding.  This was an important wedding because my sister had called me out of the blue after not talking to me for years to invite me.  I never asked her why she hadn’t returned my calls in the past or why she hadn’t called me sooner.  I just saw this as a window for us to reconnect and I wanted my husband to look the part at the wedding. So, I insisted that my husband get a new suit.  I made him try on all sorts of sports jackets and pants until he reluctantly bought what I had selected.   Then later that same evening, we went to the work function.  I had organized the meeting of my new boss and my old boss so that they could collaborate together.  This was advantageous to both of them, but I really got nothing out it, which didn’t enter my mind at the time.  I proceeded to drink way to much red wine that night and lost my husband in the crowd at the charity auction.  I figured I would catch up with him later, and I went upstairs with my old bosses wife and helped her book a hotel room through Hotwire because they were too drunk to drive home.  Then I came back downstairs and  purchased some expensive bottles of wine at the auction that I couldn’t afford.  We all went to an after party and since I kept losing my husband in the crowd a lady there that I had never met before asked me if I loved my husband.  I thought this was an odd question, but instead of telling her to mind her own business I gave her a full explanation of how much I loved him and that I was just busy talking to everyone at the party to keep track of him. My husband and I left the after party and I was so drunk I had to stop at a food truck and buy a greasy hamburger and fries to soak up the wine.  The next morning my head was pounding and my husband and I barely said a word as we watched a football game in the hotel bar and waited for my daughter to meet us to go dress shopping for her winter formal.  The rest of the afternoon was spent in a hungover haze of dress shopping and anger at everyone who didn’t appreciate me.  My sister wouldn’t appreciate that I went  to the effort of buying a new suit for my husband for her daughter’s wedding, my bosses didn’t appreciate that I had introduced them and sacrificed my evening by drinking too much wine and buying expensive auction items, my old bosses wife didn’t appreciate me helping her find a hotel, my husband didn’t appreciate that I had taken him to a fun event and party.  I was mad at everyone.  I didn’t like being  angry so I tried to cover it the best I could by going to the gym and working out for hours at a time.  I would be tired after my work outs but still edgy and unsatisfied.  I thought at the time this must mean I need to try harder.  I didn’t take the time to reflect and see that the effort I was making and the actions I was taking were not working.  All I knew is that I felt bad, and I needed to take an action to make myself feel better.  I didn’t know at the time that no action was going to make me happy because I wasn’t listening to myself or anyone else.  I didn’t know at the time I just needed to be still.  Just be still.

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  1. Wow, I have been there! Trying to please everyone else and not the most important person in the world! Yourself! What an amazing and heartbreaking story and reminds me that the best teacher in life is the actual diving deep into the struggle to begin learning that there is another way!! As I get older I can now kinda tiptoe around the struggle (most times) without sinking!

    1. Thanks for sharing! One of the good things about getting older is learning these things and not wasting so much energy right? When I look back on myself I just have to laugh sometimes at my actions (maybe so I don’t cry, ha ha). It is so nice to have the strength to just walk away most of the time from those energy zapping behaviors, something I am still working on. Love you, Peta

    1. Hi Patricia, so glad that this post made you smile. This was me 5 years ago and I actually had to leave some things out that I tried to get done that night : ). When I was in that pattern I couldn’t even see how silly I was being, I was so hard on myself. I am glad to see others can relate. I appreciate the feedback! Have a great week.

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