writing

My journey to 4000 Friends!

4 is my lucky number. This week I reached 4000 followers on Instagram. I normally don’t post about reaching milestone numbers of followers, but this is special to me. The 4000 coincides with me being in Los Angeles a year, […]

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Attraction isn’t logical

This week I cried tears of frustration. I am frustrated with my body for being attracted to men that are wrong for me. My type is good looking, tall, emotionally unavailable but sexually very available. Haven’t I learned my lesson […]

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Learning to value me

I took Thursday and Friday off work, not because I had any big vacation plans but because I have only taken 3 days off my finance job this whole year. My perspective is skewed because I have been working from […]

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Shame dies in the light

So I am sitting on my balcony across the street from the beach with the sun rising and a cool breeze, but I still feel warm. Last night I went out in shorts and a tank top and I wasn’t […]

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The space between

Lately I have been feeling anxious. I feel like I want to grab on to something to ground and stabilize me. I am single and living alone. Sometimes I walk around my apartment and talk to the walls so I […]

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Everything will be ok

I was sitting at the outside patio of HT Grill in S Redondo Beach with some friends drinking my decaf coffee. The waitress was getting ready to leave for the evening as it was late, but even through her mask […]

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Never is a hard word

Relationships change slowly over a long period of time, and then action is taken that makes a break up look like a hasty decision. Last October was the last month I was together with my Ex-husband. We were both contemplating […]

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Life will never be the same

The fall is my favorite time of year. Maybe it is the excitement of school starting again, football season, and cooler days. I always get a burst of energy in the fall. This fall will be different, not only because […]

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My baby

I knew from a young age that I wanted to have a family. I knew that I wanted to be a mom. There was never a doubt in my mind that’s what I wanted. There were times I wondered if […]

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No one but me

This is my first summer living in Los Angeles. It is hot! And what I wasn’t expecting was the humidity. I am never one to stay indoors on the weekends but yesterday afternoon after I went in the pool to […]

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My mother’s gift

My emotional changes are like waves sweeping into shore and then out again. Some days I barely think about my past life of being married and living in Portland Oregon. Other days I feel nostalgic and sad and I can’t […]

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It’s hard, but I am grateful

How I felt yesterday, is not how I feel today. I feel like my wants, needs, and desires change from moment to moment. It is a slow unwinding of years of pushing for something that wasn’t right for me, letting […]

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My journey to a dog walk

I woke up this morning to fog and drizzle. I always write my blog on my balcony and I debated about staying inside when I saw the fog. But I put a blanket in my Adirondack chair, made some hot […]

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A year ago, I changed my life

It was a year ago, only a year. July 25th 2019, was my first art show. I announced in May on Instagram, to my friends, to my family and to anyone that would listen that I was having an art […]

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I am my art

It is mid-July, all the stores, hair salons, restaurants, and most everything else shut their doors in Los Angeles due to the pandemic in mid-March. That was 4 months ago. I was scheduled to do my art show, ‘Begin Again’ […]

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I took a chance

So a month or so ago the lockdown was starting to lift. Restaurants and bars started to open, stores opened their doors and once again put welcome signs out on the sidewalk, nail salons and hair dressers opened their doors […]

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My Independence

It is July 4th weekend. Independence Day. Our country is so young compared to European countries, we are really just a baby going through growing pains. I recognize how fortunate I am to be a woman in America. I am […]

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I have faith

So, I received an email from RAW Artists that they don’t know when they will start having their shows again. This is the organization that scouted me on Instagram last October when I was moving to Los Angeles and asked […]

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I am ready

So, today I am getting a puppy. I have wanted a french bulldog for years, and now I am finally getting one. He is due to arrive at my house around 1:00 today. Even though I have wanted one for […]

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I am guilty

So I think I have been guilty of what I tell other people not to do. I am focussing on what I don’t have, instead of what I do have. I am so fortunate to be in this beautiful setting […]

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I am transformed

Life is not meant to be static. I was not meant to be the same person from the time I was born until I die. Experiences shape and change me, my choices change me; sometimes for the good, sometimes not. […]

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I forgive

Sometimes I don’t realize how far I have come until I talk about the past. I love my life now. I love everything about it. I have created a life that speaks to my soul, and a life where I […]

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I am Beautiful

I am changed. Events change people, and this quarantine has changed me. I didn’t think I had it in me to change anymore than I already have this past year, but I guess I did. I moved to Los Angeles […]

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I Found Peace

I think I am going to miss quarantine. There is something about the simple silence that speaks to me. As I sit out on my balcony writing this blog at 6:30AM I can hear the ocean waves, the birds chirping, […]

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My New Normal

In 2 days it will be 2 months since I have worked in the office. At the beginning of March our manager called us into the conference room and handed out key fobs so that we could work from home. […]

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I had the power all along

So this week I received an email that my divorce has been finalized. I am no longer married. I am divorced, single, available, whatever the term is for someone who is no longer legally bound to someone else. It has […]

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The Universe Needs Me

So, normally when I am done painting for the day I put my paints back in their buckets, clean up the palettes, and wash the brushes. I had been working on 2 paintings when the pandemic started, and I immediately […]

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Why?

I am an artist, so you would think since I am staying home now I would be really productive and getting a lot of painting done.  The truth is, I have 2 unfinished paintings that have been staring at me […]

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‘Feel’ is not a 4 letter word.

I used to put on my shorts and tank top and walk across the street from my house to the beach in the evening. I would walk in the waves and see how far out I could go without getting […]

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Alone Time

In November of last year, I left my home in Portland Oregon. When we first moved into that house, I cried because I loved it so much. We had lived in a 1950 ranch house before, and this house was […]

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Sober Reality

Today is March 28th, 2020. Four years ago today I made the decision and the choice to stop drinking alcohol. I became Sober! Why? There is not one clear answer to that question. Up until that point, I had used […]

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Home Alone!

Last time that I went to get my hair blown out at Drybar I complained that they didn’t get my curls exactly right. I like my bangs to swoop with no curl, and then medium size curls on the sides […]

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Fear is a Choice

I took the day off work yesterday. I felt like I needed to catch my breathe. Between the stock market volatility and the virus, and preparing for my art show and my divorce, I was feeling overwhelmed. I needed just […]

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Don’t Panic!

I am not panicking. My screen is red and I click the minimize button so I don’t have to see the market going down. The market doesn’t like uncertainty, and the coronavirus is an uncertain entity. But, I have been […]

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No Regrets

Did I waste my time? That seems like it is always the question when leaving a marriage, especially after 20 or more years. Everything ends at one point or another, so if I say that I wasted my time doing […]

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Living in the Gray Area

So, I think my coffee cream went bad. Is it supposed to be like whipping cream? I could walk down to the convenience store that is half a block from my home and grab some fresh cream, but I don’t […]

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New Beginnings are Black and White

So here I go, RAW Artists – Natural Born Artists asked me to come back and be a part of their Premiere Show in downtown Los Angeles on March 18th. It’s a Wednesday. I will have to work at my […]

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I want more!

I attended a Masterclass yesterday about diving deep into what is blocking me from going to the next level. Part of the reason I moved to Los Angeles is to reach a bigger audience with my art and writing, and […]

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The Privilege of Choice

Last week was hard. It started out on an eerie cloudy Sunday. They weren’t just clouds though, it was a thick impenetrable wall of white surrounding the city. I went for a walk on the beach that morning and the […]

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It is up to me what happens next

Today I turn in my Oregon driver’s license for a California one. Another part of my past falling away from me. I feel like a snake shedding its skin, layer after layer of the person I used to be is […]

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My Best Decision

2017 was a year of discovery and information gathering for me. I attended networking events, showed up at a variety of Meet Ups, and went to dozens of book readings. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, but […]

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Time does not heal everything

What mends a broken heart? If time was the answer then all broken hearts would be mended eventually, but some people never heal their hearts. So, I don’t think its time alone. My broken heart is about the past, of […]

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Something New

I did something different this New Year’s Eve. I knew I wanted to do something to celebrate all my changes in 2019, and bring in 2020 with a commitment to more changes, so I googled New Year’s Eve workshops in […]

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Healing me

Healing takes time. I noticed that I am going in waves. Some days I wake up and I feel like I am 25 years old, and I jump out of bed and can’t get down to the beach fast enough […]

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My Queen unveiled

I finally took my large Queen painting out of the box that she was transported in from Oregon to Redondo Beach and hung her up this weekend. I am not sure why it took me so long to do that. […]

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I Lived

Monday was a sad day for me. I gave the keys to my home for the last 13 years to someone else. I will never walk down those stairs in the morning to my cats greeting me. I will never […]

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I have become

I began this year by asking my Instagram friends what their word for the year was, and then drawing an illustration of them with that word. I ran a contest, and whoever commented on the Instagram post, received an illustration […]

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Healing myself is a gift

I am in a transition. I believe I did my job as a mother because my daughter is self sufficient and has her own life at 21 years old. She will graduate college soon and start her journey of finding […]

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Reinforce me

I lived in the Marina District in San Francisco in my 20’s. I moved there a few years after a massive earthquake devastated it. The earthquake knocked buildings off their foundations, created massive craters in the streets, and caused fires […]

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My Turbulent Flight

“You are now free to move about the cabin” , we have all heard this saying when we fly. In other words until you hear that ding in the airplane, don’t get out of your seat because you might fall […]

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My space

I woke up this morning to an orange sky and palm trees blowing gently in the wind outside my bedroom window.  I sat up and just stared at it for a good 10 minutes.  I was in a trance.  Am […]

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Place is important

‘Place is important!’, the organizer confirmed as I shared with the ladies in the midlife group how Redondo Beach, California had a pull for me. I joined this group 3 years ago in hopes of gaining some clarity on the […]

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Accepting who I am

This is the last blog post I will write from my home in Portland Oregon. This is the last Saturday I will spend sitting in my bed in this home looking out the window to the blue grey morning sky […]

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I want it

I woke up last night because my thoughts and heart were racing.  Was I making a mistake? I am leaving the city I have lived in for the past 20 years to go somewhere that my heart wants to be.  […]

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Retreat Revisted

I don’t think I really understood what a ‘hot springs’ was until I went to Brietenbush Hot Springs for the first time a few months ago in March. It is a naturally occurring hot tub in the earth. There are […]

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Out of my comfort zone

In February of this year, just 8 months ago, I thought I was too old to attend a workshop on how to use Instagram to grow my art business. I am 54 years old, and I remember dreading showing up […]

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My anxiety is coming with me

Do you ever have anxiety? I mean stomach churning, headache causing anxiety? I remember having it as a child, but I didn’t get it as much as an adult. Not because I was immune to getting it, but because there […]

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I am just getting started

It is 7:15AM the day of my LA Queens Art Show. I went to bed at 2AM after going out with my daughter to explore the LA nightlife. But I am not tired. My heart is beating with a feeling […]

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I am worth it

I was tested this weekend, as Friday night I went to get a pedicure after work and I did not feel like painting when I got home. I was like an unruly child throwing a tantrum in my head and […]

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The Queen always wins

My dad was born in England but never liked it, so as a little boy he would tell everyone that he was going to America. He met my mom when he was 19 years old, they got married and had […]

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Change is beautiful

I am at the Oregon Coast this weekend. My husband, daughter and I have been coming here every summer since we moved to Oregon from California over 20 years ago. We used to rent a house that had no Wi-Fi […]

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Finding a better me

My husband and I moved to Portland Oregon over 20 years ago with our 3 month old daughter. We were living in San Francisco and both working full time, but after we had our baby we wanted a different lifestyle. […]

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My logical side ruins the fun

I feel like when I write I use one side of me, and when I create art I use the other.  They are in many ways opposing sides.  When I am drawing I could be in the middle of a […]

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My time is gold

I will never ask anyone to change again. Looking back I can’t believe I wasted so much time trying to get other people to change so that I could feel better. So, how does that work? If someone changes their […]

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This time, I’m doing it for me

I sat in my backyard crying into my phone. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was grasping at straws to try and make sense of my life, so I called my mom. My mother and I […]

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I had the key all along

This week, I broke through a self imposed barrier. I built a fence around me years ago mostly for my own protection. I lived my life based on survival, and not based on being fulfilled. The restrictions I placed on […]

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I listened

Change and growth isn’t easy. It is one thing to talk about it, and to think about it, but it is another to take action. Taking action is hard. It isn’t just setting aside time to work on changes that […]

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I’ve changed

Yesterday after work I had an appointment to get my nails done. There was an accident, so traffic was delayed for over an hour which is rare for Portland. I tried to find a clear road to get over the […]

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The Queens saved me

What if you couldn’t ask questions if you were confused? What if you couldn’t defend yourself if someone was treating you unfairly? What if you couldn’t cry when you were sad, or laugh when something struck you as funny? Growing […]

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I have some questions

She had large green eyes, long sandy blonde hair and stood tall at 5′ 8″. She signed up with Barbizon Modeling Agency to become a model at 16. They made her cut her long locks into a shoulder length bob. […]

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Is it my turn?

I remember sitting at my dining room table as a kid as my parents asked my brothers what they wanted to do with their lives. My mom and dad would listen to their answers and offer advice. I listened too. […]

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Do you approve?

I used to write frantically in my journal trying to figure other people out. Why was my mom ignoring me? Why were my sisters not on my side? Why was my boss picking on me? Why was my husband not […]

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What can I do?

I want to connect with women to help them feel more empowered, and also empower myself along the way. I feel the need in our society for the healing of women, and I also feel the calling in myself to […]

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Making it work

I used to love to watch “Project Runway” when Heidi Klum was the host of the show. Before Netflix, and all the streaming services, we used to buy DVDs of complete seasons of TV shows. I had the first 7 […]

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Creating my reality

My brain likes routine and predictability. But if my routine gets too predictable then it rebels. So, is there a happy medium? Is there a way that I can challenge myself enough to make my life interesting without sending my […]

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Writing is me

Writing saved my life. When I was growing up in abuse and chaos, the fact that I could write down my true feelings in my journal literally saved my life. I didn’t talk to my family, friends, or tell anyone […]

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Things happen in LA

Why do I like Los Angeles so much? As the plane descends, I see a layer of smog coating the city, and I smile. The air is so clear and clean in Oregon, so it is nice to see the […]

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Women are beautifully powerful

So, I did it. I reserved an art gallery space for my first art show. It is going to be on Thursday night July 25th. I researched and found the perfect spot that will let me have the whole space. […]

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Innocence in Sin City

It is warm, about 95 degrees. I am drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. My body is used to the moisture in the air, not the dry heat of Las Vegas. My hotel is at the end of the […]

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Do you like me?

Why do I care if people like me? Why is it so important that other people think that I am ‘nice’? Is this something that is taught to girls at a young age? I don’t know, but I do know […]

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I am ok!

I am ok now, and I will be ok in the future. I feel good today, after a couple weeks of self doubt and being unmotivated. Now I know that these negative feelings will come, and then they will go. […]

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But I don’t feel like it

I am bored with myself. This morning I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like turning my brain off and thinking about nothing. I don’t want to be challenged, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want […]

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Art is truth

There is a meaning, expression, sadness, hope and a beauty that comes to life when I paint. There is a power in it. Thoughts and dreams that don’t have words yet, have forms and colors. These forms and colors are […]

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When did I start to feel so small?

When was it that I decided that I had to jump through hoops so that people would like me? When did I decide that I wasn’t good enough just how I am? I have been thinking about these questions this […]

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My escape

Love is the most important thing. I love my husband and my daughter, they are my core, they are my earth. Without them I feel like I would be floating in the air. They tether me to the ground, and […]

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Walking into the fog

Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a part of me was still in the mountains. I wasn’t […]

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No IPhone, No Extra

I have been afraid of looking inside myself and being completely overwhelmed by all that is there. My fear has led me to look everywhere and anywhere but inside of me, at my own feelings and emotions. I have figured […]

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I accept my power

I had a dream last night that I was alone and running from something. The first part of my dream I was sitting on the lawn of the house I grew up in, and the rest of my dream I […]

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It is just like riding a bike

I am slowly changing into a different person. I feel it. My old critical reactions to situations come into my mind sometimes and before I can voice the negative words, the feeling floats away. The feeling fades, the words don’t […]

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But now I know

It is snowing here in Portland Oregon today, and I am grateful that I am in my warm house. As I get older I feel like I can’t handle the cold as much as I did when I was younger. […]

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Learning to fly again

I am in midlife, or at least I think I am. I am 53 years old, so does that put me in the midlife category or maybe the post midlife category? I hear some women as young as 35 saying […]

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I will write!

“What do you know about empowering women? You can’t pass yourself off as an expert if you are not! I don’t think your idea is going to work.” These are the words I heard a little over a year ago […]

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The 10 Year Challenge

So, what is the challenge part? That hopefully we look and feel better than we did 10 years ago, or at least that we haven’t completely gone off the rails. I got curious about it when I had a hard […]

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I am not a quitter

So, I slept for 12 hours last night, and I just starting writing at 11:00 AM. I usually am almost done writing by now, but today I am slow moving. The sun is out and my cat is laying on […]

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The Way of Life

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I am attracted to some people immediately just by being in their presence.  That is how it was with Kathlyn and me.  As soon as I met her,  I […]

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Rejection, and the Power of a Moment

Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why am I attracted to people who reject me? Why do I feel the need to prove myself, and make them see me in a different light?Why does it become so […]