When the Impossible, becomes Possible!
I was putting myself out there, but the difference this time was that the people around me saw my strength and determination rather than my faults and weaknesses.
Since the beginning of this year, my focus has been yoga and eating a healthy diet. January through March were hard months as my body got used to getting up at 5AM for my yoga routine. My body was also trying to decide how it felt not eating meat, chicken or pork. I loved my bacon in the morning, was I really giving that up? My body craved the salt and fat. I got sore, tired and cranky. I would wake up with a bad attitude but still I would roll out my mat and start my yoga video. My belly bloated from the vegan food and my energy plummeted. My body rebelled, it was used to having control over me. It didn’t like my new routine at all.
But I stayed steadfast in my commitment to myself to keep up with my yoga practice no matter how much my body protested. My mind also protested telling me that I was terrible at yoga and that I would never be able to do some of the poses. I just let all the uncomfortable anger and protestations be in my body and mind as I moved forward anyway. When the teacher would say, ‘Ok, now flip your dog’, which is a back flip on to one foot from downward dog, my mind would say to me, ‘You will never be able to do that!’ So, I did what I could, until one day, I flipped! I did it! I flipped my dog even with the voices in my head telling me that I couldn’t. It was a break through for me, if I can do that, what else can I do that I thought I couldn’t?
I decided that the next step was something I had wanted to do for a long time; clean up my diet. So, I started ordering prepared meals from a vegan food service. I had been wanting to cut out meat for a long time, and decided this was the time to give it a try. Once again my mind looked at my bloated belly after a week of eating vegan and laughed at me. But I stuck to it. I did not go back to eating meat, instead I drank more water and I was patient with myself. Slowly my body adjusted to my new diet, and my belly became flat and my energy increased. My negative talk slowed down as it realized that I wasn’t going to let it take me off track.
By May, my body felt vibrant and alive. The negative nelly side of my mind watched in silence as I practiced yoga every morning with a YouTube video and 5 times a week in the yoga studio. It watched as I made new friends in yoga class that were positive and encouraging. I started to meet my new friends outside of yoga class for coffee and dinner. They were an extension of my practice because they knew where I was coming from when I talked about how yoga was changing my life, because it was changing theirs too.
Since I felt like I was establishing a routine that was keeping me grounded and giving me confidence, I decided to start dating again. So, I downloaded the dating app, and I started swiping away. I decided to swipe on men that I normally wouldn’t swipe on just to be out of my comfort zone and see where it took me. I lowered the age on my app to include anyone over 30. While the men my age seemed tentative and guarded, the men in their 30’s swiped on me with abandon. Really? They were funny, straight-forward and wanting to take me out. I had watched the young men on the beach with their fresh faces, and muscular bodies and thought that the best I could do was admire from afar. But once again, that thought was disproven as a beautiful 34 year old man drove an hour to take me to dinner. He was engaging, smart and told me he liked me. And when he kissed me he held me so tight I felt like I was the only person in the world.
For so long I was trying to prove my worth and value to someone who saw nothing but my faults. I lived with someone who stopped trying new things with me, and when I tried he pointed out all the reasons that it wouldn’t work. I took on those negative vibes, and walked a tight rope of trying new things while also being very guarded. This year I broke through being so guarded and took back control. I put myself out there in yoga class and felt like a complete fool as I stumbled over every pose with sweat dripping down my face. One morning, after an intense class I laid on my back on my mat and I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face as the emotional release overwhelmed me. I felt embarrassed and quickly wiped the tears and looked around. The difference is, when I looked around I was greeted with kind smiles and understanding. My friends in class told me they cry all the time, and the teacher encouraged us to fall over and have fun. I was putting myself out there, but the difference this time was that the people around me saw my strength and determination rather than my faults and weaknesses.
Life is opening up in a way I never imagined possible. It was just last summer where I felt sad every night before I fell asleep. My body was used to feeling sad, that was its default setting because I had felt sad for so long. My mind had kept me in my sadness with it’s negative talk in my ear all day. Even when I moved to Los Angeles, my body and mind were still living in the past. I was still trying to understand and process the emotions of my family falling apart, and a part of me was still there fighting for it. It was over, it had actually been over years ago, but my mind and body just didn’t know that yet. I had to consciously force them into the present, because the present is the only place where new opportunities exist. The present is the only place that I can change my direction, and realize that all the things I thought were out of my reach and impossible, are possible!