The Truth is revealed in Lies
Why would someone announce over and over that they never take their wedding ring off to their spouse? ‘I never take this off!’ He would say as he showed his hand to me, as if I had asked if he did take it off. It always confused me. But now I know he was saying that because he did take it off, both physically and emotionally. Every time my Ex husband made a random statement that at the time made no sense, it showed his guilt
I think it is hard to comprehend that some people can lie so easily, and so well. It is not like they have been caught and they are trying to squirm their way out. These are lies made up and spoken all on their own. And at first, they seem out of left field, like why are you telling me this? But I learned not to really ask questions, or delve too deeply because then either a circular hours long conversation ensued, or a heated fight. But after I got away, got out on my own, after I was able to think more clearly, I see exactly what the lies were all about.
Why would someone announce over and over that they never take their wedding ring off to their spouse? ‘I never take this off!’ He would say as he showed his left hand to me, as if I had asked if he did take it off. It always confused me. But now I know he was saying that because he did take it off, both physically and emotionally. Every time my Ex husband made a random statement that at the time made no sense, it showed his guilt. Now that I have been away from my marriage for over a year and a half, all of these statements and actions make sense. He was covering up his infidelity. Since I rarely questioned him about it, he was busting at the seams to cover something that he wasn’t even being asked about.
The first year I was on my own, I would have flashbacks of our arguments, or his seemingly erratic behavior. I would once again be there feeling all the feelings of that moment. The difference is in hindsight, I saw the truth. The truth was that he did not want to be with me, and instead of telling me this, he created a life for himself outside of our marriage.
I write this, not out of anger, but in order to become whole again myself. I can’t move forward not seeing the truth of my past. I was married for 20 years, and most of the first 15 years were pretty good, I thought. I noticed he was checked out 5 years before I left him. It always confused me why he just didn’t say ‘yes’ when I asked for a divorce 5 years prior? Why drag it out, and drag me along with all the lies? He had no interest in being with me. Did he enjoy living 2 lives? Was he too scared to lose the security of the marriage? Did he have any feelings for me at all? These questions used to drive me crazy, but I now accept I will never know the answers. And I don’t need to know, I just need to process my hurt and focus on me instead of him.
I was listening to a podcast about losing someone, and they said the second year is when the grief sets in. And I agree with that statement. The first year after leaving my marriage was exciting to me. I was glad to be away from the constant arguments and have my own space. But in October of last year, which was just about a year after I left, the excitement started to wind down as negative feelings started showing up that wouldn’t go away. Also the realization of the finality of it, the first year felt like a vacation. But it started dawning on me that this was it. I was never going back. Life as I knew it for 20 years, good and bad, was over! My family; my husband, my daughter and me, which was the focus of my life for so long was dissolved, never to be resurrected.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start over. I am grateful that I won’t live the rest of my life with someone lying to me, and not valuing me. But at the same time, it is scary to be on my own sometimes. A guy I was dating last summer who was married for over 20 years and then divorced said he felt like a nomad without a home. I agreed with him at the time, I was adjusting to living alone too. Even when I wasn’t getting along with my husband, I focussed on my daughter and took vacations with her. I didn’t try and find a new life while I was married, that was my home.
This year I have focussed on sitting with all of the emotions that I wouldn’t let myself feel previously. They were too devastating. Plus they made me feel weak and vulnerable, and who wants to feel that? But I have to process it all so that I can see my part in it, good and bad. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, and I am not proud of certain things I said, I was far from perfect or innocent. I have to own all my actions that in the long run hurt my daughter more than anyone. I can say that I was pushed to act out of character, which is partially true, but I am responsible for me.
But, I am also seeing my good qualities that were not acknowledged or valued by my spouse, so I didn’t see them myself until now. I am loyal, I value family, I can love very very hard, I give people second, third, and a million chances, I see the best in people even when all evidence shows otherwise. And, I left my marriage without one single regret. I tried everything to make it work, and it didn’t work. Maybe some would say I tried too hard, but another thing I have learned about myself is that I am a passionate person, and I was all in on my family. And there was and still is love that came from my marriage in the form of a person, my daughter. She has expanded my heart in ways I did not know was possible, and I am forever grateful for her. I love being a mom, and I will always be a mom, nothing can take that away.
I am a different person now than I was in my marriage. I like myself better now, in fact I am starting to love myself. Also, I am physically in a different place than I was when I was married. I used to vacation in Southern California and sit on the balcony of my hotel room and look out over the ocean and feel hope. I used to drive my rented car and look out at the palm trees and sun and feel so happy. I used to feel dread driving to the airport to go back to Portland. Southern California with the constant warm sun, the calming breeze, and the ocean waves spoke to me and said, ‘Come be at peace here.’ It drew me in, and drew me away from my marriage. This is my new home, and this is where I will find love again.