Being my own Best Friend
I thought that ‘being present’ would be kind of second nature once I started doing it, but it isn’t. It is hard work to be in the present moment. Because in the present moment I have new emotions that I have to process, I have situations come up where I have to say ‘No’ and protect my energy. In the present moment, I have to be intentional about my actions to create a future that resonates with me.
I didn’t realize how much was going on in the present that was affecting my future until I spent time there. I was still mostly hanging out in the past in my mind. A part of me was rushing through the day to get to my work out where I could control my state of mind. But when I stopped rushing and was really present, I realized that there is work to be done.
The work I have to do is being aware of my breathe and my surroundings. The past couple of weeks I have had abundance incense burning during the day when I am working from home. When I get annoyed or upset, I light my sage and walk through my home to clear the energy. In the evenings I do my sit up, breathing routine and spend time playing with my dog without looking at my phone every 10 minutes. In fact in the past couple of days, I have turned my notifications off on my phone, so that I am not jumping to see what is happening on social media. I noticed that the notifications were giving me a little jolt in my body every time they popped up because I would look at my phone and I would lose my focus on what I was doing in the present moment. I love my Instafam, but it is better if I set aside time to look at social media and talk to my friends when I can focus only on them and not be distracted.
It doesn’t serve me, or anyone I am interacting with, for me to not fully be present. It has been good for me to lessen my distractions and try and focus on one thing at a time, but also hard work. This is because it is still hard for me to say ‘No’. It is hard for me not to respond right away when someone calls or messages me. And it is also hard for me to decline an offer to spend time with someone either virtually or in person. I still cringe when I do it, and I had to do it a couple of times this week. I am not on the dating apps anymore but one of my friends on instagram who has followed me for quite a few months now, sent his photo and his phone number to me. He asked to chat, and he lives nearby. He is cute, and he seems sincere. I gave his invitation some thought, and about taking our friendship a step further. But I know that if I start chatting, or even going to coffee with someone right now that my energy is going to be scattered, and at this time I really want to focus on continuing my healing and inner work. So, I thanked him for reaching out, but declined.
I know that I cringe when I say ‘No’ because I am so used to the angry response I used to receive from my Ex-husband when I would try to protect my energy. It was easier just to give in to him then get in a fight that might go on for days. So, I have to unlearn that. I have to practice setting boundaries and knowing that I am safe, and that there are nice people in the world that won’t be angry at me for doing it. And if they are angry, then I have learned something about them and maybe that will help me decide whether or not to continue the relationship.
Los Angeles County is opening back up from being on lockdown, and last evening I drove through the area in Redondo Beach called the ‘Riviera’ where all the cute restaurants are, and there were a lot of people eating outside. Over the summer when I saw everyone sitting at the tables chatting and laughing I wanted to be a part of it. But as I drove through last night, I was happy for them but also happy for me because I was driving home to do my evening routine of breathe work. And I didn’t feel how I used to feel, which was that I will do my inner work if I have nothing ‘better’ to do.
I realize now that when I used to think like that, it is like saying to myself that only when no one is asking for my energy that I will use it for me. What message is that sending to my brain and body about how I feel about me? Even if it is a subconscious message, it is still a message. And the message is that I am not important enough to make myself a priority, and that if someone wants to spend time with me I better jump on these opportunities in case they pass me by.
Both of these thoughts are coming from a place of self doubt and scarcity. Every time I break the commitment to myself to spend my energy on someone or something who popped into my life and wants my energy, I am telling myself that they are more important than me. That message makes me act from a place of imbalance, which includes needing validation and approval. It also gives my actions an energy of desperation because I am coming from a place of scarcity. Meaning that I am acting as though the person or situation that popped into my life is rare and valuable, but I am not.
It might seem like a small thing to break a commitment to myself to do a meditation in order to go out on a date, or go to coffee with a friend but it is not. I wouldn’t cancel on one friend to go out with a different friend. Think how my friend would feel if we made plans and I not only cancelled on them but just didn’t even bother show up and didn’t give them an explanation or apology. They would be hurt and feel like they aren’t as interesting or as valuable to me, they would also be angry and resentful. They most likely wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. This is how I was treating myself. That I wasn’t as important as the people around me. Now looking back, I wonder what energy that was giving off to the person I was with? If I can’t be a good friend to me, how can I be a good friend to them?
I have always believed in the quote that ‘the most important commitments are the ones you keep to yourself’ but now I am starting to feel it. I see how writing this blog every week no matter what else is going on in my life has changed me. It has given me confidence and made me a better writer. And now, I am slowly learning how keeping the plans I make with myself is equally important. It changes the messages I am sending to my mind and body. The new message is that I am worth spending time with, and not just someone to hang with if nothing more exciting is happening. That was how I was treating myself, so that is how others were treating me. And I know I deserve better from other people, but most of all I deserve better from myself.