Owning My Power!
It’s raining today. I am sitting on my bed with the window open and I can feel and smell the cool, fresh air. I can hear the sound of the raindrops on the palm trees, street and parked cars. It seems quiet out. There aren’t as many people going for a morning run or bike ride. There also aren’t as many people parking on my street to visit the beach on a Saturday morning as usual.
The rain slows things down, keeps people home. Today I am going to write this blog, do my taxes and then organize my home. My desk is in much need of cleaning the dust off and throwing some things away that I have kept around because I couldn’t decide what to do with them. I hate clutter, so if I can’t decide on something I put it in my ‘incoming’ basket and it usually sits there for a few months.
It is a perfect day to go through that basket, and clean house. I am feeling more and more relaxed in my home. I am feeling more ownership of it too. This is my home. Everything about my life right now is mine. The money I make from now on is all mine. I can make the decisions of how to invest it, how to save it, and how to spend it. There is a power in that. I have saved a lot of money during the pandemic because I haven’t taken any trips for a year. I haven’t been shopping and I don’t go out to dinner anymore. Another positive is that I started to cook, and I am enjoying the taste of homemade food again.
At the beginning of the second lockdown in LA that started right after Thanksgiving, I panicked. I was running out of energy to keep up a grateful attitude and find things to do. I called my daughter and friends and cried on the phone to them. ‘I am at my wit’s end! I didn’t come to LA to sit in my home!’ They consoled me, and shared their stories of frustration too. I wasn’t alone in my exasperation.
After I calmed down, I decided to go all in on being at home. I mean really being at home. No distractions from dating apps, Tik Tok videos, or thinking about the past. I started meditating. I bought some incense, a sage energy cleansing smudge, and looked up meditation music on youtube. Meditating is hard for me. I feel like things are going to come up that I don’t want to see. Emotions that I have long shoved down deep are going to bubble to the surface and overwhelm me. I sit precariously on my cushion, lower my eyes, put my hands on me knees with my palms up and breathe. My thoughts seem to go into double time when I do this. They rush into my head as if to somehow stop me from going deeper into myself.
I am still learning how to meditate. I know it is good for me, just like working out and eating healthy. It is a cleansing for my mind, which I need. My thoughts want to push me forward, or have me relive the past. But I need to realize that I am ok now, being in the present. There is no one trying to hurt me, bring me down or make me defend myself for no reason. The more I relax, the more I realize how hard it was on my body to live in a place that I didn’t feel safe. I have trauma from it. I need to heal from it.
It makes me angry that I had the resourcefulness and the courage to escape my abusive family, only to enter a marriage that ended up being emotionally abusive. But lately I have been thinking, did I really leave my family? Physically, yes I did. But their messages of me being a selfish person because I was looking out for myself, stuck with me. There was always a small part of me that wanted my family to see me for who I really am, even though intellectually I knew that was never going to happen. I kept re-entering my family drama throughout my marriage to give it another try. Maybe this time I could handle it. Maybe this time I would fit in. But it always ended in hurt, confusion and heartbreak.
I left my family, but I never fully let them go. I still haven’t. That is why fully embracing my home, my money, my life is hard for me. I feel selfish. And that is why meditating is hard for me. I feel like I am going to get to the core of me, and I will see what my family saw. That I am a bad person.
It stopped raining, but the ground is damp, and water is still dripping from the trees. The clouds look puffy, like they still have more rain to dispense. The sky seems somber, like it is working through some things. I know that the clouds will eventually release the rest of their rain, and then the wind will come in and blow them away so that the sun will shine again.
Most days are sunny here, but I think I appreciate the sunny days more after the rainy ones. The clouds don’t rush to do what they need to do to hurry up so that the sun can come out. They just let it happen. And I need to learn from them. I know I want to rush my healing. I feel like I have already wasted so much time! I want to move forward already, to my next step, whatever that might be. I don’t want to sit on a cushion and try and quiet my brain. It is frustrating, boring and scary. But I know this is the work that I have to do right now. I know this work will help me appreciate who I am, and help me to set boundaries with people that don’t have my best interests at heart. How can I move forward when I am scared that at any moment someone is going to see me as that ‘bad person’. I can’t.
I know meditation will eventually let me own my power. The power that I have had all along, but I was told was dangerous and bad, and that if I owned and used it that I would alienate people. But who gave me this message? Toxic people! And you know what? They were right! If I own my power, I will alienate people. The toxic ones, including them.