Attraction isn’t logical

This week I cried tears of frustration. I am frustrated with my body for being attracted to men that are wrong for me. My type is good looking, tall, emotionally unavailable but sexually very available. Haven’t I learned my lesson yet? My mind has learned its lesson over and over again. But my body reacts to these type of men and I can’t help it.

I have tried getting to know someone and I feel like when I do my desire just vanishes. Now they are my friend, and I don’t see them as anything more than that. Is it just a phase I am going through? I sure hope so. Because I can’t repeat my mistakes from the past. But also I can’t help what my body says yes to.

I have been reading a lot about toxic relationships, and how women think that the sex is so good. I thought that. But actually this perspective is skewed because that was the only form of affection and validation I was getting. I wasn’t being treated with kindness or simple affection, so it was through sex I got affection. I get it now. I get it intellectually, but not physically. My body still hungers for the man who doesn’t want a relationship but somehow I am going to prove myself and he will fall in love with me. Even as I write these words, it is embarrassing that I feel this way. But I can’t help it.

If a man tells me he wants to be with only me, I immediately feel like I can’t breathe. I want to tell him all the reasons why that it is not going to work. Why do I do this? I think this is why my marriage lasted so long, because I was never really sure of my Ex’s feelings. I could fill in the blanks of the information I wasn’t being told, and create my own story of our love. When it suited me to think he loved me, that was the story. When it suited me to realize that maybe he didn’t, then I would go with that. Why does this work for me? I feel like it gives me breathing room, but it doesn’t at all.

Maybe it is that I don’t really have to commit. On the days I want to be left alone I can bring up his lack of communication and emotional unavailability. It can be his fault that I can’t commit. I don’t have to take responsibility for the fact that close relationships make me cringe. I can still see myself as a good person that fell in love with the wrong guy, not the girl who wants to be close to someone but can’t fully commit.

I can sit here and write for days about my feelings, but the thought of talking about my feelings intimately to a man makes me want to run for the hills. Writing is where I tell my truth, and my truth is out there. So why can’t I look in someone’s eyes and say it? Frustrating!

I was extremely shy as a child. I was known as the smart, sweet shy girl in high school. I was active in the student body and in school activities. I went to the prom with a member of the football team, but secretly was dating someone else. The other person I was dating I had real feelings for, but I was scared to have sex with him because I thought he would tell everyone. I didn’t want to ruin my reputation. I went to the prom with the football player because he was a more appropriate date, but I had no feelings for him. Can I explain this even now? No, I can’t. It is just the way my mind works when it comes to men.

All the work I have done on myself, still does not change how my body reacts. It can’t change that my heart rate speeds up when someone that I know will break my heart wants to go out with me. That when presented with a little danger, and an inevitable ending I am excited. I can already see the ending, even on the first date. Maybe that is why I can be myself, because I don’t feel claustrophobic. And I don’t feel bad ending it at any time, because they were never available to me or appropriate for me anyway.

I am laying all this out in writing, in hopes to gain some understanding of it. I got out of my marriage to find a kind, loving partner but I find myself running as far away from that as possible and it is frustrating! I want to do the right thing for me, but the right thing feels like a dead weight and unappealing. My sexual desire goes out the window, and I would rather be alone. My eyes dart to the beautiful men on the beach with no shirt, that I am sure have women lining up, and have commitment issues. Yeah, I want him! Stupid!

So, I am confused and frustrated right now about how to move forward. I feel like I am 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and I just end up alone again, which is maybe really what I want right now. But I don’t regret being with the beautiful blonde, blue eyed surfer for a month. I smile when I think of him. I couldn’t even speak when I looked up into his blue eyes. He wasn’t right for me in any way, but he was perfect. I thought it would be a fling, but of course I started to have feelings and he didn’t so I ended it. So this is my fate for now. I guess I just have to go with it and see where I end up.

The thing I try and remember is that I wouldn’t have any of these experiences to be frustrated about, if I didn’t have the courage to leave my marriage and put myself out there. Yes, it is confusing and frustrating. But at the same time I am feeling desire, lust, and connection along with some hurt. I am not turning my emotions off anymore in order to avoid conflict.

Even though some days I cry in frustration at least I can cry openly and express myself, and I have the space to reflect. My body is still healing, I know that. My emotions are still mixed up and releasing who I used to be. And I am learning to accept who I am, and who I am attracted to, wherever that leads me.

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