The space between
Lately I have been feeling anxious. I feel like I want to grab on to something to ground and stabilize me. I am single and living alone. Sometimes I walk around my apartment and talk to the walls so I can hear my own voice and verbalize my thoughts. Living alone is new to me, I am recently divorced. So my divorce combined with the pandemic has added an extra isolation.
I went from a daily routine of sharing my life with someone to being alone. Our split was a long time coming but it was still a shock when it happened. Towards the end of our relationship there was no affection or romance, and I really craved that. I like spoiling someone, having pets names for each other and cuddling. I felt like I have been starved for it for so long, so I went in search of it with someone else after my divorce, and I started dating.
Hmmm, what do I think about dating? And why do I feel a need to date with everything else that is going on right now? I have always felt that masculine energy calms and grounds me, because it is so much more primitive than female energy. I am not sure what I am looking for though. Some days I really crave a relationship and someone to care about what I am doing throughout the day. Other times I just want the physical closeness of a man, and then I want him to leave. I guess you could say that I am experimenting. After being with one person for so long and having to accept things in a relationship that went against my nature, I am exploring to see how I feel and what makes me happy. I am learning a lot about myself by seeing myself reflected in others. Sometimes I get hurt, sometimes I hurt others.
There is no right or wrong, there is only the combination of energy and intentions that either works or doesn’t work. And as we both navigate dating we change each other, and push each other towards what will eventually work for both of us. Where will I end up? Right now I don’t know.
I used to take my queues from the universe but I can’t read any signs right now. I feel like I am driving in a dense fog with the headlights on too bright and trying to find my way. But the problem is I don’t even know what my destination is, I am just trying to get to where I can see clearly, wherever that might be.
Things are changing. Mother nature has taken over and given us a deadly virus, fires and an earthquake. I understand that she is trying to shake me up, but where does she want me to go? Does she want me to hide and feel fear? Does she want me to move on with my life regardless of what is happening around me? Or does she want me to stop looking outside myself for answers, and stay home and discover all the beauty that lies within me?
When I am calm, and not fearful or anxious, there is a space between me and my thoughts. There is a place that is just ‘me’ without judgements or fears. When I am in that space, I can appreciate my surroundings more, I can better empathize with others, and I feel happier. I can take a deep breathe and appreciate the miraculous work of art that is my body and brain, and I can just be human. Things around me may change, but in the end I am just ‘here’ along with everyone else, and we are all in this together.
Life as we know it will never be the same. I noticed that many of my friends are posting pics from trips they took in 2019 on Instagram, and writing nostalgic comments. Remember when? I remember the trip I took to London with my daughter where we went to cafes, nightclubs, museums and laid on our beds in the airbnb and drank coffee and talked about life. It was 2 years ago, but it seems like a lifetime.
There are no planning trips right now, actually there is really no planning anything right now. I am just waiting for our world to open back up and show me what might be possible. I try and not let my anxiety about the future get the better of me. I am not my thoughts, I am not my accomplishments, I am not my relationships. I am just me. I am healthy, I have food and shelter, I have my writing and my art, I have a job and I can pay my bills. There is nothing more that I really need, there is only what I ‘want’.
And I know that I want security, I want to feel like I can trust that the ground under my feet won’t shake, that my home won’t get engulfed in a fire, and that I can walk outside and breathe the air and talk to people without getting a deadly virus. Is that too much to ask? It didn’t used to be, but now it seems like it is.
So as I walk around my apartment talking to the walls so I can hear my own voice try to make sense of things, I will try and remember that this time will not last forever. There was a before, and there will be an after. And I will patiently wait in the space in between.