I am transformed

Life is not meant to be static. I was not meant to be the same person from the time I was born until I die. Experiences shape and change me, my choices change me; sometimes for the good, sometimes not. I don’t always know what I want, but most of the time I have at least a vague idea of the direction that I want to go. Once I make up my mind, my determination kicks in if it is something that I really want.

But how do I stay focussed on my goals with everything going on in the world right now? If I ignore everything going on around me, and focus on myself, I seem disconnected and self absorbed. But at the same time I can’t let external events change my course. Plus I do believe that all that is going on in the world right now from the pandemic to the riots does affect and include me. It affects my ability to create as I can feel the unrest around me. It affects my ability to show my art, because people are thinking about other things and so my art floats by them and is hardly seen.

I have found it to be challenging these past 2 months to find where I fit in. 3 months ago I was full steam ahead with my ‘Begin Again’ Art Show which was about finding myself after my divorce, and encouraging other women my age to live their best life. This is still a good message, but I don’t know that I feel it anymore. So much has happened and is still happening, that I almost feel silly talking about my personal growth story.

I stopped working on my paintings from 3 months ago, I took time off. The time that I took off might have seemed like I was unproductive or avoiding my art. But my consciousness was trying to interpret and make sense of the changes going on around me. As an artist I am sensitive to energy. So if the energies change around me, it isn’t like studying for an exam where I can shut everything out and concentrate. I need outside energy to create. So when that shifts, my creative energy shifts.

But I did start painting again this weekend, and I am finding that my eye is attracted to green. The color green symbolizes renewal, nature and energy and is associated with the meanings of growth, harmony, freshness, safety and fertility. So I sat down and started painting with 3 shades of green and the women that appeared on my canvas looked to be under water. Water symbolizes life, being born or rebirth, purity, cleansing or the washing away of sins. So, my art has changed to reflect my current environment. I put away my half finished paintings from 3 months ago for my ‘Begin Again’ Art Show that was supposed to be in March but got cancelled due to the pandemic. I don’t feel them anymore. But I do feel the submerged green ladies that I am currently painting.

The first painting I did of a submerged green lady represents transformation. It is of a woman looking backwards but moving forward. She is leaving her past behind but she will not forget it. She is floating into her future and staying open to all possibilities. This is ‘beginning again’ but just in a shown in a different way. She speaks to me. I stare at her and feel her.

My message is still the same. It will always be about the resiliency and strength of women. And maybe I made them green because color doesn’t matter. All women can relate on a feminine and maternal level regardless of our background or beliefs. But as the world changes so do we. We change as mothers, wives, and people and we adjust to protect our families and ourselves.

I feel happy now that I have a creative direction. It makes me feel peaceful and a part of things again. I can’t control the events of the world, but I can take them in and transform along with them. If you had asked me 3 months ago if I would like to stay home for 2 months to regroup and cleanse myself of my past, I would have said ‘No way, I am fine!’ I felt that I was on my way forward. I was being invited to display my art in LA, I was meeting interesting, supportive people, I was exploring and discovering restaurants and cafes in Los Angeles and I was hardly ever home. At that time, I thought I was living my best life. I didn’t even think it could get any better. But it has.

These past 2 months have allowed me to let go of so much pain and anguish I still had inside of me. I didn’t realize that I still had so much confusion about my past, and the events of my family disintegrating into 3 people living in 3 different states, and our pets given away to 2 different families. Every single part of my past was broken up and separated. It was a shock to my system, but at the same time I knew it was the right thing. I chose to physically leave my marriage, but I still had resentments about the way it all turned out. I needed time to let go of those resentments. It was and is time to move on. The pandemic gave me that time. It allowed me to relax into my new self and strengthen my boundaries around who I am now. It gave me real boundaries by isolating me, so that I could work on establishing internal ones.

I have already Begun Again. I am not beginning anymore, it has already happened. Life is not meant to be static, and I embrace the change the I chose and the changes that have come to me. The world events have transformed me as person, and as a woman.

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  1. That’s a lot of change to absorb!!! My take away is that your time out wasn’t being lazy or a step backward. It was the healing that maybe you didn’t know you needed? I learn from you, Beautiful Queen. ❤️

    1. Thanks Suzana, you are also a beautiful Queen. You are right, I think I did need a step back but instead kept forging forward knowing something wasn’t quite right but unable to fix it for myself. Sometimes just letting my body feel the emotions and let them go is the only way. Love you!

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