I am ready
So, today I am getting a puppy. I have wanted a french bulldog for years, and now I am finally getting one. He is due to arrive at my house around 1:00 today. Even though I have wanted one for years, my purchase was very spontaneous. I woke up one morning and decided it was time, and within a day I found my little blue frenchie online, and decided that I wanted him to be mine. My daughter and I came up with the name Franki years ago, I am not even sure now how we came up with it now, but that is going to be his name.
Last night while I was getting his crate, toys, food and training pads ready I had a moment of fear. I am finally free of all responsibility. My daughter graduated from college a few months ago and she is 22 years old. Yes she still needs me, but obviously doesn’t need my daily care and attention like she used to. My divorce was finalized just a few months ago on April 30th. I am single, I am free. I live alone in a city I just moved to 8 months ago, so I don’t have a huge social network that demands my attention. I am at a place that I fought for years to get to, which is having things just the way I want them and no one to answer to but me. So, why am I choosing to get a puppy?
I work from home now due to the pandemic. So, my lifestyle has changed to staying in what locals refer to as the ‘South Bay bubble’ south of Los Angeles. The South Bay is basically Manhattan Beach, Hermosa Beach and Redondo Beach. It is a relaxed beach life near a big city. So being in this bubble most of the pandemic, I started to crave companionship. Since I am working from home I thought it would be a perfect time to train a puppy. But as I put all his blankets in his crate last night I little panic crept in, am I ready for this? He is going to be super cute, but he is going to take over my life.
What is it in me that as soon as I get to a place that I have fought to get to, I immediately want to change it up. I want to add different energies and dynamics. I think I will get a lot of love from the puppy, and I will also learn a lot. Plus it will be the first time in long time that I can train him exactly how I want. I had dogs when I was married, but the care and training was always a compromise. I could never do exactly what I felt was the right thing. And now I get to do just that.
Maybe also, after being alone for 2 months I have more love and energy to give to another being. I feel ready to sacrifice my comfort in order to let another little being into my life. I feel like it will be worth it. I plan to bring him everywhere. He will be my little side kick, my little companion, my little love bug.
He will bring an energy to my apartment and to my life, and it will be worth getting up early and staying up late in order to take care of him and make him feel happy and secure. I hope that I am a good dog mom, and that he will feel happy in the home I am providing for him.
I vividly remember arriving to this home just a few months ago on October 31st. I had left my home in Portland Oregon early that morning when it was still dark. As I walked down the path to the car to take me to the airport, I turned to look back at my house. I cried uncontrollably because I knew I would never return.
I had bought a one way ticket from Portland Oregon to Los Angeles a month before. I was leaving. I was starting a new life; alone. As I sat in my window seat on the plane with my eyes swollen from crying, my body felt like it wanted to barf and pee at the same time. I shook slightly during the whole flight. As the plane ascended I saw the beautiful red orange sky over Portland as it lit up Mt Hood, it was almost like a firework show sending me on my way. I whispered a thank you and a goodbye to the city that helped me bring up my daughter, and helped me become the person I am today.
The driver who picked me up at LAX, did not notice my tear stained face or my shaking body as he loaded my suitcases in to his car. He drove on the LA freeways in silence, he handed me a water and checked his radio for his next ride. He had no idea I was changing my life. As he drove over the final hill and I could see the Pacific Ocean my heart jumped in joy. I smiled for the first time all day and I wanted to jump out of the car and run the rest of the way to my new home across the street from the beach.
The last few months have been a letting go of my old life, and an uncovering of my new life. So, now I am ready to add a little friend to my life. Franki the blue french bulldog will be arriving today to be a part of my new home. Yes, I have fears and doubts about adding this responsibility to my life, but I know in my heart it is the right time and I am ready for him. He will change me and add to my life. And I am ready to make that change.