I am guilty

So I think I have been guilty of what I tell other people not to do. I am focussing on what I don’t have, instead of what I do have. I am so fortunate to be in this beautiful setting at the ocean where every day is a perfect 75 degrees. I wake up every morning, and the first thing I do is open the shade at the end of my bed. Then I lay back down and just watch the sunrise, the trees, and hear the sounds of joggers, dogs and the people that are up early exercising and starting their day. It makes me smile every single morning. I have to pinch myself that I live here and that this is my life.

I get out of bed and make my Nespresso, then I open the french glass door that leads to my balcony. I bring a blanket out and put it over my Adirondack chair and sit and have my coffee. The next door neighbor just recently trimmed back her palm trees so now I have a view of the ocean. I get up early, so I am normally out on my balcony by 7AM writing in my journal.

I have everything I dreamed about when I used to visit here and awkwardly drag the desk chair out to the tiny balcony at the Ritz Carlton and sit out in the sun with my coffee and yearn to live here. I would look out over the early morning sky, the quiet houses and the freeway in the distance and think; how? It seemed like a dream, and now I am living that dream.

But lately I have been guilty of thinking about what I don’t have. Lately I have been thinking that I am in such a romantic setting that I would love a man to share it with. I would love to have a romance. I don’t mean just a person with me that I kind of like, I mean someone I am head over heals about that I can share my life with. Someone who makes me laugh and giddy, and I wake up every morning in disbelief that they love me as much as I love them. I want that!

I have been thinking about it a lot. Maybe because summer is coming, the quarantine is almost over, and I am rested and ready to put my energy there. The quarantine really helped me get over all the hurt of my past. I am not mad anymore, which is amazing in itself. And I do forgive now, which I have really worked hard on. I am not ready to be friends or communicate with my Ex husband, but I do forgive him. Maybe because I don’t chose him anymore, and I don’t expect anything anymore, so I can forgive. But whatever the reason, it feels good. I like being free of thinking about the past and feeling hurt about it.

But that leaves my brain open to imagine the future. Because I can never stay still, which is the blessing and the curse of my personality. I have gotten my body into really great shape over the quarantine, and I haven’t been intimate with anyone since my divorce, so sometimes I imagine what that will be like. Can I have a casual affair? Or will I become too attached? I do want passion, but can I handle it? Will unresolved emotions come up? These are all things I don’t know yet. I have dated people, but I chicken out and run when it comes to being intimate. Even though I really want that. I guess I just don’t know how I will feel afterwards, and I don’t want to regress emotionally.

So, where does that leave me? Wishing for something that is too good to be true maybe? Or maybe I need to stop wishing and focus on what I do have. That is the message that I put out on Instagram, and I am not following my own message. I have so much, and I have come so far, so to spend even one moment feeling like I don’t have what I want is not productive for me.

All I know is that I have so much love inside of me that I really want to express to someone that will appreciate it. And I want to feel that love come back to me. So, since I can’t control when this person will come into my life, for now I am getting a puppy. I am getting a little french bulldog puppy in a few weeks. I always wanted one, and I thought that working from home now is the perfect time to get one. Maybe this is the first step in expressing all my affection to another being that I know won’t hurt me. Then I can move on to people.

But I do realize that I really am the luckiest girl in the whole world to have the leisure to even contemplate all of this. I have so many options and different people at my fingertips that it is completely amazing. I am so grateful for how far I have come, and the future I know I will have. Maybe dreaming about it is good for now. Just like I used to dream about moving here, it was 5 years before it actually happened. Things take time, and they don’t show up on demand. I have always trusted the universe to provide to me what I need, when I need it. And so I will have faith and trust it now.

As I have my second cup of coffee and stare out into the ocean on my balcony, I know that I am truly blessed. I am personally blessed with determination, resourcefulness and courage that have gotten me where I am today. I know what I want, and most of the time eventually I get it. And so I am going to take my own advice and focus on all the beauty and love that I already have in my life, and have faith that I will fall in love in the future, and that it will be amazing.

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