I had the power all along
So this week I received an email that my divorce has been finalized. I am no longer married. I am divorced, single, available, whatever the term is for someone who is no longer legally bound to someone else. It has been such a long process of going back and forth in my emotions. Going over details of arguments and circumstances in my mind that could have been different. But with the email from my lawyer stating, ‘Congratulations, you are officially divorced!’ all the chatter in my mind stopped. It was over.
It has been a long journey of unwinding my emotions, and finding myself again. I lost myself in my marriage and my family. They became my worth, so when my family started falling apart my confidence and self worth plummeted. Now that I am on the other side of it, I can honestly say I don’t regret a thing. I see now that everything happened to make me a stronger person, to make me a more independent person who now can love without expecting anything in return. I was expecting something from my family. I wanted them to heal all the wounds of my past and make me feel worthwhile. Now, I see that was not their job, it was my job to heal myself, and by my family breaking up it forced me to take care of me.
There is nothing worse than feeling empty and not knowing how to fill the void inside. Now I know that empty feeling I had was me not loving myself. I was expecting others to see my value, when I didn’t see it myself. But when I started my journey, of course I didn’t know this. I just knew I had to change. I knew I couldn’t live each day in such pain and sadness.
So, I slowly started putting myself out into the world, attending women’s networking meetings, book readings, and going for walks with coworkers. Anything to get me out of my state of feeling unworthy. I started listening to Tony Robbins podcasts about taking control of my life and emotions. I liked his strong voice, and the way he so confidently said, ‘You can change your life in one moment.’ Because it never was about the things outside of me, it was always about how I felt about myself. I slowly started to realize this day by day, moment to moment.
I started to pay attention to my thoughts, and adjust them if I was being hard or negative towards myself, I started gravitating towards people that saw the good in me and told me so. I started to slowly move away from people that were negative and brought me down. I broke ties off with long time friends and relatives that depleted my energy and gave me nothing in return. It was hard. It was a slow process. But with every action I took, I could feel ‘me’ coming back. I didn’t have to solve others problems or be responsible for their emotions, no matter how bad they tried to make me feel for walking away.
Then I decided I wanted to put my ideas and writing out into the world. I had felt so alone for so long, and I wondered if others felt how I did. I started a blog about my journey and I was surprised at how many women contacted me saying they could relate and felt the same as me. The women who contacted me didn’t know me and found my writing through my Instagram account. I purposely didn’t tell my friends, because I was scared what they would think of me. But slowly, my friends found my writing and contacted me and said that they too felt as I did! We started having deeper more meaningful conversations. And then there were my other friends who couldn’t relate and slowly faded out of my life.
Through my writing and then my art I gained confidence and a sense of self I had lost along the way, or maybe never had. My whole life I had been searching for something that would make me feel worthy and I started to realize that I had the power all along to make myself feel worthy. The love for myself started to grow inside of me, and the bigger it got it naturally started attracting love towards me. I saw myself as lovable, so others started to see me as lovable.
I no longer started each day with a heavy sigh of exasperation. But instead had a calendar full of events and meet ups with friends that were bringing out the best in me. I was starting to feel happy. I didn’t expect this journey to lead to my divorce. I just was trying to heal myself and get to a point where I felt better about me. I wanted my husband to come along on the journey with me, as it was making me feel good and I thought he would feel good too if we did it together. But he was not interested. And I started to realize that he preferred me when I felt bad. So, he was constantly trying to bring me back down.
That is when I knew that eventually I would have to leave my marriage. I knew that I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone who didn’t want the best for me. Someone who was jealous of my successes, and resented my healing. It is an indescribable pain when someone who you thought loved you, I mean really loved you, rejects you when you better yourself. It messed with my mind and sent me spiraling backwards sometimes. But I stayed the course and found my way out. I don’t feel mad at him anymore. He just didn’t want to lose the old me that he fell in love with, and I am sure it was painful for him to see me change into someone that he no longer could love.
Really my journey had to do with me, not anyone else. It had to do with me standing by what I believe and setting my boundaries. It had to do with me seeing my own value even when others didn’t. It had to do with me taking back my power that I always had, but gave away so freely.
I am at a place that I never even dreamed I would be, and it all started with me believing I was worth it. I share my journey because I want to encourage other women to see their own worth. To come out of the darkness of living their lives for others and live for themselves. It is truly an amazing feeling that no one else can give to you, but you.