Sometimes I don’t realize how far I have come until I talk about the past. I love my life now. I love everything about it. I have created a life that speaks to my soul, and a life where I don’t have to compromise who I am. Not only do I not have to compromise myself, I am surrounded by friends that get me, and encourage me to go further into myself. The people in my life now get joy and comfort from my spiritual side, they applaud and encourage my artistic side, and ask me, what am I doing next to express myself?
I feel so blessed and humbled that I had the courage to walk away from a marriage that didn’t promote my spiritual or artistic growth. I have worked hard to move on from the person who I was that hid so much of herself in order to not be hurt. Day by day, moment by moment I reveal more of who I really am. Some days are harder than others. But I am learning that I am safe now. I am learning that I can take care of myself now, set boundaries and protect myself from people that want to bring me down or use me. I am not saying that people want to intentionally bring me down, but that their energy does not vibe with mine and I know myself well enough to know that their energy will consume mine, giving me nothing in return.
I used to get anxiety attacks from being in a marriage where I had to hold everything in. It is such freedom to speak my mind, and take actions that speak to my soul without fearing rejection. Sometimes out of habit, that fear will creep back into my life, and I have to consciously tell myself that I am safe. I am in control of my surroundings, and who I let in my space.
It took me years to get the courage to walk away from my marriage. And I understand if there are women out there who do not have that courage yet, but know they need to find it. My message to them is, you will find it. Be kind and patient with yourself, and look for the people that will help you to make that change. It is hard, it is scary, but it is worth it. We were all put on this earth to find and show our true selves. And I have learned that the universe helps us to do that, if we ask and have faith.
I try not to look back anymore, and I am trying really hard to forgive. Although some days are harder than others for that. Forgiving someone who had absolutely no regard for my feelings, and made me feel bad for having them is tough. It makes me angry at him, and angry at myself for allowing it when I do look back. But I have to trust that I was put in that situation in order to learn and become stronger. I am here now and I will never be in that situation again. So there is no reason not to forgive, and let go. Let go of trying to punish him, or still prove my worth to him. I know until the day he dies, he will never see my worth. I am just someone that didn’t give him what he wanted so I was disregarded and forgotten.
As I write this from my balcony of my home in Redondo Beach, I can see the ocean and some light puffy clouds floating by. The sun is reflecting on the homes by the water, and the birds are waking up getting ready for a Sunday at the beach. It is 7 in the morning. I have on my usual writing outfit of baggy sweat pants, my cropped sweat shirt, and jean jacket. I also wear my fur boots to keep my feet warm. For some reason when I write I have to wear loose clothes and lots of layers. It is almost like I have an alternate personality when I write, because once I am done writing I hardly wear anything, sometimes just a bikini all day. Maybe it is because I need the comfort of all the layers to access my emotions. Ernest Hemingway once said, ‘Writing is easy, just sit down at a typewriter and bleed’.
Being true to my writing, and keeping my commitment to write every week no matter what has truly changed my life. My writing helped me find myself, and leave my marriage. I can’t lie in my writing. My fingers on the keyboard only know truth in the words that come out. So, when I started writing my blog, I could no longer hide the truth of my dysfunctional marriage. And once my body knew that truth, I had to leave.
Now, I am asking my writing to help me forgive. I really do want to forgive so badly, because I know once I forgive I can truly move on. I need to forgive myself for years that I wasted because I did not value myself. I need to forgive myself staying silent when my boundaries were compromised. I need to forgive myself for thinking something was wrong with me because I was sad and angry. I can only forgive myself, because really there is no one else to forgive. If I didn’t allow it, it wouldn’t have happened.
I woke up with anxiety this morning at the thought of writing this blog, because I knew there were truths I didn’t want to see. I am responsible for me, no one else. No one did anything to me that I didn’t allow. I used to feel that I needed to prove my worth in order to get love. That is the woman that I was, not who I am now. Please help me forgive her.