I want more!

I attended a Masterclass yesterday about diving deep into what is blocking me from going to the next level. Part of the reason I moved to Los Angeles is to reach a bigger audience with my art and writing, and things are going very well so far. I have met amazing artists that I am collaborating with in order to help lift each other up and promote each other, and I have been asked to be a part of 3 different art shows. This is exciting for me, and none of it would have happened if I didn’t move down to LA. But what is the next level above where I am now? I am still trying to reconcile all that amazing things that are currently happening to me, so I really hadn’t given it much thought until yesterday.

Sometimes when I am walking the beach and I see the amazing beauty of the ocean, feel the sand underneath my feet, and the salt water touching my toes, I whisper to myself, ‘I live here!’ How long did I dream about this moment? A long time! Being here was definitely something I used the power of visualizing and dreaming to eventually get me here. But, as I learned in the Masterclass yesterday, it is even more than that. I had the emotions of actually living here, meaning I ‘felt’ what it was going to be like to live here, before I moved here. I always had this feeling that my life was happening in LA, but I just needed to physically get my body down here to match everything up.

So, I am here! And great things are happening for me beyond just being amazed every day about my surroundings. But what more do I want? What would be the next level? I almost cringe at this question, because I feel like I have already been given so much, is it selfish to want even more? Am I ‘pushing my luck’? Maybe I am, but I do want more. And I have to start envisioning what that more is in order for me to get there.

So, here it goes! My next level would be working on my art and writing all day. I am grateful for my finance job, and all the benefits it gives me but I feel like my art and writing is my calling. When I am creating, I am one with the universe. There is not one piece of art that I have created that doesn’t have love, tears, thought and kindness as a part of it. My art is the very best of me displayed on canvas. I love creating art for others and making them feel good. It feels right! It feels like what I should be doing with my time, all the time! So, for my future, I envision creating all day long. How? I don’t know yet. I am just putting it out in the universe, and letting the idea be known.

Also, I would like my writing to reach a wider audience. Not because I feel like I am an amazing writer or that I want accolades. It is because the subject I write about, which is coming from an abusive family and the harm that does to a person as they go out into the world and try and create their own life. For me, I used all my energy to hide my abusive history. As a young woman, I thought no one would want to be with me if they knew my truth. I thought it would stop me from making friends, and having a family, or even worse, I thought if people knew that it was just ‘me’, and no one was looking out for me, that they would take advantage of that fact. Using my energy in that way hurt me, and brought many people into my life that kept me stuck in a cycle of abuse. If I had been honest with myself and others years ago, I could have avoided so much unnecessary hurt. So, that is the message I want to get out into the world. That is why I want others to read my writing, so that they don’t feel as alone as I did for so long.

Yesterday made me think of these things that I want for myself and my future. But it is more than a want, it is my passion and a way of life. I have spent so much of my life doing things that didn’t speak to my heart or soul, so I want to spend the rest of my life doing things that do! I have wasted so much time molding myself into a person that I wasn’t in order to please others and be accepted and be liked. I have spent years in silence, writing words in my journal only for me to read, because I was too ashamed to say them out loud. I was too filled with self-hatred to think that I could make a difference, who did I think I was? But now I know in hiding my words I was doing a disservice to those around me. I was ashamed yes, but I was also a coward. I chose to spend my days feeling sorry for myself, and being angry at the world, rather than putting the work in to overcome my fears. I was being lazy and self involved, and superficial, only worrying about what people thought of my outside appearance. I didn’t think this at the time, at the time I thought I was being a good person, and a good daughter by hiding all the family ‘shame’.

It is a very hard cycle to break free from, but I know that the universe wanted me to break free. I know this because it has welcomed the ‘new me’ with open arms. Since, changing so much about me, I have confidence that I can change more. But, changing myself is just as scary as it was at the very beginning of my journey. It doesn’t get easier, that is for sure. But at least now I know that it is possible, and there is beauty on the other side of the pain.

I work on my art every day, and I tell the universe that this is what I want and I hope it wants me back. Sometimes I think about where I was just 3 years ago. I wasn’t drawing, and I wasn’t even thinking about drawing. It makes me sad to think that my beautiful women may have never seen the light of day! So, I think what else is there in me that hasn’t been uncovered yet? What else is there that 5 years from now I will say, if I didn’t keep pushing myself ‘this’ would not have been created? That fact is what keeps me going, and keeps me uncomfortably fighting for what is next!

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