Time does not heal everything
What mends a broken heart? If time was the answer then all broken hearts would be mended eventually, but some people never heal their hearts. So, I don’t think its time alone.
My broken heart is about the past, of course, but it is more about the future. It is about what I thought my life was going to be, and what I wanted my life to be. Since I came from a dysfunctional family, I wanted more than anything else in the world to have a loving family unit. That meant everything to me. I wanted to wrap myself in a new world of love and understanding, and give my heart freely to those that mean the most to me.
I know that my husband and daughter love me, of that I have absolutely no doubt. So I did create the love around me that I craved, just not in the form I thought it was going to take. My heart is broken because I wanted to stay married and be a family unit, as I thought that is what it meant to be loved. But the weird thing is, I feel more love and understanding from my husband and daughter since I have decided to strike out on my own. Maybe love isn’t dependent on some arbitrary living arrangement, and having a certain house that society says is sufficient to call a ‘family’ home. Maybe I was forcing a situation that even I wasn’t happy in. Letting that go, even though it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, has not only meant freedom for me, but also freedom for the rest of my family to express their true feelings. It has allowed love to flow freely, rather than being tied to an idea, a structure, or plans that no one really agreed on anyway.
My mom stayed with my dad from the time she was 19 until the day he died. And when I say ‘stayed with’, I mean they lived in the same house. My dad was mean to my mom, and she was mean back. Their relationship disintegrated to a fearful place that locked them into patterns that kept them safe from making efforts to reconnect. They were both to scared to reach out to each other because too much hurt had passed between them. After my dad died, my mom talked about him with loving kindness. Something I had never heard from her when he was alive. I realized that she had loved him the whole time. What a shame that they never had the courage to reconnect.
So, when I saw my marriage disconnecting, I knew how it would turn out to stay with someone who was too scared to take a chance. I had witnessed this pattern, and I knew that it wasn’t going to end well. So, as heartbroken as I was, I left. I knew I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with all my love locked up inside of me and not expressing it, as my mom had.
I know that the way I present myself in the world is what I attract. So, if I want kindness that I need to be kind. If I want people around me that take chances, then I have to take those chances too. If I want to feel love, then I have to express love. It is not a commodity that I can sit back and have someone give to me, I have to give too. It is in the back and forth giving that a relationship is created.
What is healing my broken heart is realizing this. Time alone does not heal, but putting my heart back out there and walking through the pain of disappointment does. It is like if you break your leg. For a while, yes, you need to keep your leg immobile so that the bone heals. But you can’t keep it immobile forever or else you won’t be able to use it. You need to go to physical therapy to build the muscles up again, to make it stronger. You need time, but during this time you have to work at getting your muscles strong and using that leg even if its a little painful. Eventually, you will walk again as if you never broke your leg. You will have memories of the event of not being able to use it for a while, but no more pain.
It is the same with your heart! Your heart is a muscle, and the only way to get through the pain of heartbreak, after you have rested awhile, is to use your heart again. It may feel awkward and scary, but it won’t after a while. And one day you will remember what broke it, but it won’t hurt you anymore.
Letting go of gripping so tightly to love has actually allowed me to feel my own love inside of me. It has given me space to actually feel, instead of react. It has released the fear in me of being hurt, and I am slowly letting my guard down. I know I want to love again. As I think about what I want next, I know I want someone who above everything else is kind. I want someone who smiles at me, genuinely. Someone who isn’t afraid to take chances and who realizes that we only live once and what is the point if we don’t express and spread all the love that is in our hearts?
That is where I am now. However scary and awkward it feels, I am ready to use my heart again, and make it stronger. I have faith that there is love in the world for me, and I am willing to take the chance that there might be some hurt along the way to finding that love. It is all a part of growing and mending, and moving forward. I feel lighter, and I am not taking everything so seriously. It is a journey, but who says it can’t be a fun journey? Who says I can’t see the funny and interesting side of things, instead of the negative?
Is it scary? Yes! Is it exhausting sometimes? Yes! Do I know what is going to happen? No! But here I go…