Healing takes time. I noticed that I am going in waves. Some days I wake up and I feel like I am 25 years old, and I jump out of bed and can’t get down to the beach fast enough to feel the sand and water on my feet. Other days, my heart is heavy and I slowly turn over in bed and lift the shade to check the weather. I make an extra cup of coffee to get me out the door.
I spent a lot of time contemplating things when I lived in Portland. And by a lot of time, I mean years! It wasn’t like I woke up one day, and said “I’m outta here!”, well I did actually, but it took me years to get to that point. I can’t explain the disconnect I felt in my life when I lived there. Nothing got me excited! I guess that is a form of depression, I don’t know. It is only when I started to write this blog and draw again did I feel my heart coming back to life. When people read my words and viewed my art and reached out to me to tell me that they understood, I started to feel like I wanted to engage in life again.
So, I guess you could say that my creativity brought me back to life. It pumped fresh air into my lungs, and fresh ideas into my brain. Even though writing this blog and creating art is a lot of work, it is nothing compared to the energy I receive back from it. I am writing this on my laptop right now while sitting outside on my balcony with a sweatshirt, jacket and blanket because its cold out. I am out here because my daughter is visiting and I don’t want my tapping on the keyboard to wake her up. It is 8:30 in the morning, and I woke up, made coffee, got my computer and started writing this. It is a habit now, but one that if I don’t do I start to feel out of sorts. It doesn’t mean its always convenient or easy, or that my heart is bursting with excitement every time I sit down to write. It means I know the benefit of discipline. And I know that keeping this commitment to myself to write this blog weekly has given me my life back.
I have learned over the past year that it is the promises that I have kept to myself that have made me the happiest. I promised myself I was going to do an art show this year. So in May I announced that I was doing a show in July. I rented out a venue, surveyed the space, and started creating art to fit in the space. I had never done an art show before. I had never created that much art at one time, I had never promoted myself. But I did it! I had decided that I was doing the show for me. So that if just my family showed up and no one else, that was ok. Because my goal was just putting on the show, not counting attendees or the sales.
I was, and still am, completely overwhelmed with all of the positive energy that has come back my way from putting my creativity out into the world. I can’t describe the feeling of someone telling me that my words spoke to their heart, or that they love my painting so much that they want to hang it on their wall in their home! It is as if a piece of me has expanded and gone out into the world and I am larger now.
I moved to Los Angeles on November 1st, and I have cherished every day of these first few months here. I am starting to appreciate life again. I appreciate the sunrise and the sunset. I appreciate the sand under my feel, and the sound of the waves. I appreciate the swaying palm trees, and the blue skies. Everything about this area is healing my soul and making me more grateful. I smile more, and I talk to strangers about nothing in particular. I ask people if I can pet their dogs, and I ask them how they are doing. My life has more of an ease and flow to it.
For New Years Eve, I am going to a place in Los Angeles called the ‘Peace Awareness Labyrinth and Gardens’. They have workshops, food and music. I will be able to contemplate this last year and plan for next year. When I found their event it was as if they created it just for me. I am looking forward to meeting people there that understand me, and want to shed the old and start anew. And want to do it intentionally, with their minds clear and their hearts open. I have learned that is the only way to heal.
Healing takes time, as I move from one stage of my life to the next. I am healing the hurt of losing what I thought I wanted. Or maybe what I thought I should want. I mean who changes their whole life at 54? Shouldn’t I be planning my retirement and taking a back seat in life? I arranged my whole life to do just that, and then when I got there I didn’t want it. Now that I am taking chances and following my heart, a part of me is wondering why I didn’t do this earlier in life.
I think more than anything I am healing from the hurt of not listening to myself. There was always a voice inside of me that was dying to get out, and I tried everything I could to silence her. She scared me. I knew she would change everything about my life, and I didn’t think I could handle it.
I am healing the hurt I inflicted on myself by thinking that I wasn’t worth it. I am healing me.