I want it
I woke up last night because my thoughts and heart were racing. Was I making a mistake? I am leaving the city I have lived in for the past 20 years to go somewhere that my heart wants to be. I am following my heart. My brain and all of my intellectually sensibilities are telling me to stay in safety. To stay where I am dissatisfied but where it is comfortable and predictable. But I can’t stay.
I am in Redondo Beach this weekend looking for a place to live. I am transferring with my company to our office here. Even as I write those words, my brain can’t believe it. I am finally doing it. I visited this area 5 years ago when I was taking my daughter on college tours, and I felt like I had come home. It wasn’t anything that happened to me when I was here, it was purely a feeling. My heart feels happy here. I can’t explain it. I tried to justify it away that everyone feels better at the beach, and who wouldn’t want to live here, it’s beautiful! But there are plenty of people that wouldn’t actually want to live here, they are happy to vacation here and then go back to their comfortable lives. And I don’t blame them. I am scared right now. My life is in turmoil as I now have the job here, and I start in 2 weeks but I have no place to live.
But through my fear there is a calmness and a strength inside that is new to me. I have pushed through so many self-imposed barriers over the last couple of years, challenging myself to do things I never imagined possible. In doing that I have more confidence, but more than that I have regained my sense of wanting. I want again!
There was a part of me that always ‘wanted’, but my brain would come up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t want more. I am getting old, I have to take care of my daughter, it isn’t sensible, I don’t want to be thought of as a fool. There were so many reasons to stay where I was not only physically but emotionally. Opening that Pandora’s Box of want was scary. It was and still is, so powerful and overwhelming. Better to do what is expected and safe then follow my desirous heart.
So, I started opening it slowly, like letting air out of a tire. Writing in my journal has been my release my whole life. That was the place where I wrote down all of my wants and desires, but I kept them a secret. But 2 years ago, I had an impulse that I could not ignore to make my words public. To not only share all of my wants but also share my tumultuous and scary journey to try to satisfy them. 2 years ago, I had no idea how to operate a laptop computer, or how to create a website and start a blog. I wasn’t on Facebook or Instagram, I had no social media. 2 years ago, I was filled with want but it was buried so deep I was confused by it. I thought it was something to be managed and reasoned away, and certainly not pursued. But writing this blog was one of the first steps in accessing my long-lost emotions. Telling my truth openly has been one of the most powerful things I have ever done for myself. Telling my truth shined a bright spotlight on my shame, and brought it out of the dark. Shame dies in the light, and in killing my shame I was reborn.
I slowly started to access feelings within me that had lied dormant for most of my life. I thought they were selfish and wrong feelings. I thought to want things just for me for no other reason than I wanted them meant that I was a terrible person. I thought putting myself first wasn’t an option. But I was wrong. First, I had to accept that I had been wrong, and that I had been my own worst enemy. It was easier to forgive those that had hurt me than it was to forgive myself. But I had to forgive and have empathy for myself and others before I could access the emotions underneath.
Then I started to do things that made no sense and had no direct pay off, but made my heart happy. I would sit at my kitchen table all weekend and draw my women and thoughts of my life would float through my head as if my brain was processing all of the hurt, sadness, and confusion. Drawing became a sort of meditation for me. The fact that people liked the art I was creating was a bonus but not the intent of my art.
I slowly expanded my comfort zone, and it wasn’t easy. Following my heart when it wanted to start doing art shows was hard! I would almost have full on anxiety attacks while I was preparing for them. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I don’t need to put myself out there and risk rejection! But I would do it anyway. I pushed myself through the anxiety, confusing thoughts and emotions. And In doing this I honored and kept the promises I made to my heart. Afterwards, I would feel such a sense of accomplishment and happiness. My brain started to accept the fact that I could follow my heart and be ok, actually better than ok, I could be happier!
So, now I am moving to the place that first awakened my passion again. The place that made me believe in possibilities again! The place where I saw my life happening but my physical body just needed to get there and make it happen in reality. I can’t explain the feeling, but it is real. I can’t explain how it came to be either. One day about 2 months ago I just went into my manager’s office and asked to be transferred. Nothing negative was happening in my life, in fact I was quite content. But my body just told me that it was ready. My heart and my brain aligned and said in unison, ‘It’s time!’
The process of getting here was like walking down a path that I had never walked before but somehow everything felt familiar. I just took the next step every day to get me here. If I thought about it too much, I would feel scared and overwhelmed. So, every morning, I would say to myself, ‘What am I doing today to get me there?’
So, I am there! I am moving! I am going to live in Southern California. I am moving here because I ‘want’ it for me. And I have taught myself that it is ok to do what I want for no other reason than wanting it.