My logical side ruins the fun
I feel like when I write I use one side of me, and when I create art I use the other. They are in many ways opposing sides. When I am drawing I could be in the middle of a construction site and the noise wouldn’t bother me. When I am writing I need complete solitude and quiet. My creative side wants to take chances, push the envelope, and try new things. While my intellectual or writing side wants to reflect and plan. I didn’t feel like writing today because I have been on a binge of creating and I want to keep going. My creative side tries to seduce me into thinking that I don’t need my boring ‘planning’ side. It wants me to constantly create, even to the point of complete exhaustion.
Being creative as a child helped me to shut out the hurt and confusion around me. There could be all sorts of chaos going on, but when I started drawing I could completely escape reality and go into my own fantasy world. So, when I started drawing my women a little over a year ago, it was therapy for me. I would sit at my kitchen table on a Saturday, with my pens and a small 5” x 8” pad of drawing paper and draw for most of the day. I wasn’t drawing to please others, or to sell my art, I was drawing for me.
I have always gotten my inspiration to draw from real life women. When I was younger I would look through magazines, but now so much is online. So, I started drawing my Instagram friends and sending them their picture. It was fun for me, especially when they liked it and it made them happy. From there, women started reaching out to me to draw them and offered to pay me. So, that is how I started selling my art. It was born out of me using art to heal myself. In doing so, I started to heal others by letting them into my artistic world of beautiful, magical and powerful women.
The feeling of creating my magical women and getting positive reactions from others was addicting. How can something that is so close to my heart and so integral to who I am, also speak so strongly to others? I cannot write down in words the happiness and joy I feel when I create, and how it is amplified 1000 times when others get that same joy. I feel their joy come back to me and it fills my heart.
So, when I am in my mode of creation and feeling high from all the positive energy, sometimes I don’t want to stop to write. When I write, I feel like my logical side comes in to ruin the party. My creative side is fantasy and feelings, my writing side is truth and facts. Sometimes I just want to stay in the fantasy. Writing this now, I feel myself coming out of my fantasy world. I am like a pendulum swinging back and forth between the person in me that says, ‘Go for it, you only live once!’ and the person that says, ‘Does that make sense, and will I get hurt?’.
But I have learned not to let my risk-taking, creative side take over. So, I am allowing my logical, writing side to come in to balance things out. Even though I want to do anything right now but write this, I know that my ‘black and white’ side will bring me back into balance so that I can take a break to take care of myself. My logical side pulls me away from the urgency of creating. It says, ‘how does your body feel? Are you hungry? Are you tired?’ My creative side could care less, it just wants me to spend every last ounce of energy creating. It is always saying to me, ‘Hurry, hurry, just one more piece, you can do one more and rest later!’
When these two sides of me get too far apart I can feel it. If my creative side had its way it would have me painting 12 hours a day with no breaks. The pull of my creative passion used to scare me, and that is why I didn’t paint for such a long period of time. Because I knew once I started painting that I it was almost impossible to stop. It was like a siren song luring me to create but then exhausting me and making me sick.
I didn’t know how to handle my creative side in the past, but with age comes wisdom. I have learned that taking breaks and reflecting actually makes me a better artist. Also, I have learned to be humble and to let go. I used to take it so personally when someone didn’t treat my art the way I thought it should be treated. When I was in my 20’s I drew a picture of one of my ladies for an old boyfriend for his birthday. He was very appreciative and liked it, but he didn’t hang it up. This hurt me to the point that I became obsessive about it, and it caused turmoil in our relationship. Why didn’t he hang it on his wall? It deserved to be hung!!
Now it is different. Even though my art is a piece of my heart, once I give it away I try and let it go the best I can. Of course, I want my art to be loved as much as I love it, but I have learned to let it go if it isn’t. I didn’t have that maturity when I was younger so I couldn’t give away or sell my art without it directly effecting how I felt about myself, and altering my mood.
I need both opposing sides of me. My creative side is selfish and all consuming, but my logical side helps me see other people for where they are in their life. They may appreciate my creative fantasy world, but they don’t live it, breathe it, and love it the same way that I do.
And that is ok. It has to be ok, so that I can keep creating.