Becoming Whole

I notice as my dreams slowly start to become reality there is a part of me that wants to slow everything down. I start to turn apathetic, and devalue my accomplishments. No one is telling me to slow down, I am not getting negative feedback, it is a voice within me. The way I view my goal of writing a book next year starts to become muddied and blurry. I compare myself to others and I come to the conclusion that what I am doing is silly. I see women my age that seem more successful. They have bigger houses, they are taking better vacations, they are wearing better clothes. I start to question everything. What do I want out of all this writing? Are all of these hours I spend at the computer a waste of my time?

I am trying to be positive, encouraging and an inspiration to others, but sometimes I feel confused and selfish.

Right now, I am making no income from my writing. So my ambitious, materialistic side wants to know what the hell I am doing. That side of me that is never satisfied and always searching for more looks me over and rolls her eyes. She says ‘Why don’t you stop all that writing and get me some more things?’ She makes me want to slow everything down so I can pay attention to her. She is the side of me that is still childish in many ways and is always asking ‘what is in it for me?’ She doesn’t like uncertainty, and she doesn’t like that I am using so much of my energy on something that has no clear path to monetary return. She used to be able to control me. I am taking away her power and she is putting up a fight. It used to be her way or the highway. I used to do everything she said with little regard for the softer side of me, or other people. She can be ruthless. But she is what I needed when I was trying to survive on my own. She always puts me first and makes sure I am getting more than my fair share, and I love her for that. She took care of me and believed in me when no one else did. She is that voice that tells me that what I am doing is silly because it doesn’t directly help my physical survival. She wants me to have more of everything because if I do, my chances of survival increase. But what she doesn’t see is that I have already survived.

She is not going to be happy in 2019 because I am going to be spending even more time writing.

She will try to distract me and tell me I am wasting my time. But I have learned enough about her to know that when I accomplish what I set out to do she eventually respects me. She becomes quiet and admires me. And then she looks at me and says, ‘Oh, I see what you are doing and where you are going’. When that happens my survival side and my artistic side become one, and I feel whole. That feeling of wholeness is the most beautiful feeling in the world. The search for more of that feeling is why I continue writing with no clear path to financial gain. There is no monetary reward for me that can equal that feeling.

Writing saved my life.

Writing in my journal helped me to express myself and try to make sense of the world around me. But more than my own writing, other people’s writing saved and inspired me. When I was a young girl and I read poetry that expressed exactly what I was feeling, a part of me knew that I was going to be okay. My family may not have understood me, but this person that wrote this poem understood exactly how I felt. So, I knew that there were people in the world that would understand me. All I had to do was find them. I want to write about what I went through so that maybe you will find my writing and know that you are going to be ok. I want you to know that it is okay to leave a family that abuses and humiliates you. That it is ok to care enough about yourself to take the journey to find the love you deserve. And that 25 years after you have left your family and been away from the abuse, it is ok to write about it and share. That you don’t have to ever ‘get over’ it. I want to share with you that I spent a Christmas eating potato chips for dinner with a person that I barely knew because that was better than going home. If you are doing that this Christmas I want to let you know that it is going to be okay. Life gets better, and aloneness is temporary.

I am a completely different person than I was at the beginning of this year.

Revealing my truth in such a public way was one of the scariest things I have ever done. But the love and understanding I have received from my husband, daughter, my friends, my coworkers, and all my new friends fills up my heart. The encouragement that you have given me motivates me to push even more boundaries. As I start this new year, I know at the end of 2019 I will again be completely different than I am right now. And I am so curious and excited to see what will happen to me, what I will learn, who I will meet, and how I will grow. My journey of survival cannot be summed up in a word, a sentence or even a book. My survival journey is a living breathing entity that changes daily and will continue as long as I am here. But now I start the journey to wholeness. This journey is where my survival side and my soul meet, speak their truth, and become one.

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    1. Thanks Kim. I am so glad that I encourage you. You encourage me too. Sadness and being alone are temporary states of being that will turn to love if we keep moving forward and away from situations that bring us down. Happy New Year!

  1. You can incorporate the voice in your head into your writing by throwing yourself into it completely and making it the success it can so easily be, that way you can have the financial success and security and the inner joy that comes from doing what you love

    1. Thanks Jo! I like the way you brought everything together, and you are right!! There is something holding me back from going fully into this, and I feel it. I need to just take the brakes off and I am working on it! Thanks so much for your valuable insight! Love, Peta

  2. Keep writing and thank you for sharing your work! A powerful journey that inspires me to also want to tap into my best self in all areas of my life. Happy 2019!

    1. Thanks for encouragement, now and all this year! I am excited to see what 2019 brings, and all the changes that will happen. I feel like I have changed and grown so much this last year, next year I have a feeling it will just keep getting better! Love you.

  3. Thank you for the opportunity of meeting you through your writing. I was very drawn to your written words. Enjoy the journey!

    1. Thanks Lisa! I am so encouraged that my words spoke to you! I write from the heart and from the truth of my life and I hope that I encourage others, but I never know until someone tells me, so thank you! Looking forward to seeing what 2019 brings us! Love, Peta

  4. Oh Peta, you are indeed a marvelous writer! I’m so glad you have committed to it for this new year! Your command of word and thought is like a one of the great masters of art and their comfort with the brush and paint. I feel many of your same thoughts, and I believe many writers do. But like you, I love it, and will never give it up. You have a gift. Thank you for this remarkable post.

    1. Wow Amy! Thank you so much for your encouragement and beautiful words. I hope that I am that good of a writer, I know I aspire to be. I am glad that my words spoke to you. And I agree, I will write no matter what. Mid last year I had I saying that kept me going it was “I don’t care if everyone is mad at me and no one reads my writing, I will write!’ That was my mantra to get me through a little rough patch. I look forward to supporting each other in 2019. Happy New Year! Love, Peta

  5. This is so beautifully written from your heart. I find writing or journaling to be cathartic. God bless you and your goals in 2019. I’m cheering you on!!

  6. This is so beautifully written. I find writing and journaling to be cathartic. God bless you and your goals in 2019. I will be here cheering you on.

    1. Thanks Shannon! I have written in my journal my whole life, before I knew how to express myself through words, I drew. So, I have always been drawn to the artistic expression. At the end of 2017, I went to see Albert Flynn DeSilver at his book reading, and he said, ‘If you write consistently then you ARE a writer’. I think it was I needed to hear at the time because something in me clicked and I decided that I am a writer, and started my blog a few months later. Looking forward to see what 2019 brings to us. Happy New Year! Love, Peta

    1. Thanks Lisa! I am so glad that it encouraged you. Writing comes from my heart, and I put it out in the universe hoping that my words will reach the audience that will appreciate what I have to say. I look forward to supporting each other in 2019~ Happy New Year. Love, Peta

    1. Thanks Dawn. I get so much out of sharing and connecting that even though it is scary it motivates me to continue. I would rather write than do anything else, so I love that my passion touched you. I am excited to support each other in 2019. Confidence without cosmetics sounds intriguing, I look forward to finding out more about what you do. Love, Peta

  7. Peta, many of your thoughts resonant with me! I have my doubts and fears as well. But you are not alone and you need to keep writing! I feel you are on the right path!

    1. Thanks Mary! I don’t even think I was aware of my deep rooted insecurities until I really started looking inside, and also writing about it. I can express feelings when I write that otherwise are unreachable for me. So, I have learned a lot about myself, and I appreciate that you can relate. I look forward to getting to know you better, and supporting each other. Love, Peta

  8. Thank you for your beautiful words and trusting us with your story! Remember there is always someone out there that will need to hear your journey to help them along theirs!

    1. Thanks Kim! Thank you for reminding me of that. It has been a year of transformation for me as I was so nervous at the beginning of the year to reveal myself so publicly, but it has been completely worth it. Now I want to keep pushing the envelope against things that I am scared of, because I realize I am the only one imposing limits on myself. Happy New Year, I look forward to reading your blog and getting to know you better. Love, Peta

  9. This is such a lovely piece and I’m sure anyone who has come from a dysfunctional past will understand it completely. Angela Merkel once said that when something was on special in the supermarket she couldn’t resist buying it in bulk because that was what she did in the days of East Germany. No matter how much we succeed, I think there is always that little voice there that wants to help you survive. It’s loving because it wants to protect you but it doesn’t know how strong you can be. I think I need to remember that too!

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I agree that we are all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Also, just like Angela, I have to remind myself that the war is over and I can be more open and trusting now. My little voice doesn’t have to be so vigilant,I am working on this. Love, Peta