What made me start this journey, and how do I know when I am where I want to be? I started about 4 years ago when I felt like I was spinning my wheels. I felt that so much of my energy was being expended and I was getting no where, like a car stuck in thick mud. I was frustrated, sad and angry as I saw other people driving happily by me who seemed to be driving with ease. I felt like I was being left behind. I am not sure where this feeling first came from, as it was no one event that made me feel this way but just a general sense of being hopeless and stuck that started to turn to sadness. Since I didn’t really know why I was feeling so stuck, I didn’t know how to begin to solve it. The only thing I knew for sure was that what I was currently doing was not working. So, I started to take trips to explore different options. These weren’t exotic trips to Thailand to a meditation center, they were weekend trips to Los Angeles, San Francisco or a week in New York. I just had the urge to see something new. When traveling I would go to museums, new restaurants and attractions to expose myself to new stimulus to see what resonated with me. In the mornings I would get up, have a huge cup of coffee and write about my experiences and feelings. It wasn’t a planned journey, I was literally shooting in the dark for something to click with me. I was exposing myself to new things in hopes that I would say, ah-ha, that’s it, that is what I have been missing! In order for me to take this journey, I needed this travel time and also needed my reflection time when I got back home. So, I started to become more protective of my time. I realized that if I spent my whole weekend stressing about a work situation or a friend drama that I wasn’t going to have time to reflect, write and figure out what I wanted. So, I started to decline certain invitations to do things that I didn’t feel anything for. I stopped going to events where I was just standing there waiting for it to be over. I slowly unwound certain friendships that I was the caretaker and just listening and not exploring myself. I stopped participating in happy hours where the main topic was negative gossip that made me feel drained and hopeless. I researched and found new events that looked interesting to me. One of these was a group of women entrepreneurs, and even though I wasn’t technically an entrepreneur I attended. I felt an attraction to these women who were taking a risk and trying new things. They were energetic and would give me new ideas and hope. I formed new friendships by emailing women that I met as soon as I got home from these events in order to keep the dialogue going. I joined Meetup groups and found some great friends that have become an important part of my life. In each new interaction I did, I did it with an open mind and speaking from the heart, even though I could barely verbalize what I wanted. I felt pretty silly saying, ‘I want to do something new but I am not sure what yet’. But in saying that I was so surprised at how many women would smile knowingly, touch my arm and say, ‘I know exactly how you feel’. This connection gave me courage and propelled me forward. But what did I really want? I had a good finance career and I didn’t want a new career but I needed something to fulfill my soul. I have spent my career promoting my company and it’s services and I am good at it and enjoy it. Then one day I said to my friend, ‘I have all the skills to make something amazing happen, I have just been using them to promote and lift up others rather than myself. What if I take those same skills that have made me successful in my career and turn them inward? ‘ It was a light bulb moment for me. I could be my own manager of my artistic self. I have both sides. I am the introverted artist and bookworm, but I am also the risk taking extroverted career woman. In combing these characteristics I can get unstuck from the mud. This was my ah-uh moment. Once I realized this, I felt a rush of energy to move forward and not only was I unstuck, I was speeding down the street with ideas flowing out of me. There were so many ideas though I couldn’t narrow down exactly the direction I wanted to go, but my overall theme was woman empowerment. One of my new enthusiastic friends said that I should start a website to share and organize my ideas. So I decided to start a blog/website by getting a domain name. I had 3 sections with stock pictures in each section, just the bare bones of a website but Womanwhy was up and running. I gave myself a deadline to start my blog by January 1st, 2018, and my parameters were a weekly blog and a daily post to Instagram, and that was it. I made that commitment to myself. It didn’t matter what I wrote about or what I posted just as long as I did it. And it began. Not only did it begin, I converted my dining room into my writing room complete with a new paint job, a new computer, and I claimed my space. Now that I made the commitment to myself it was easier to protect my time. I have to write, so I need time to write, so other things that were less important to me had to go by the wayside. When I started my Instagram I started taking pictures of buddhas and putting quotes underneath about what I was feeling. Then in March I had the urge to draw again so posted my first drawing of one of my fashion women. I used to spend hours drawing pictures of women when I was a teenager and actually wanted to be a fashion designer. I had completely forgotten about that side of myself. I have had so many moments in this journey that I say, ‘oh yeah, I forgot about that’, or “yes, I remember now how much I loved that’. But just by focussing on me, and taking my time back, what is really important to me started to naturally come forward. I recently attended a 2 day training conference for my finance job where we were randomly assigned with a group of 7 other people from around the country that we had to work with for the 2 days. Before I started my journey I would have been so in my head about what they thought about me and how I should act. But it was such a different experience now as I brought my full self to the table. I asked them deep questions, and talked about myself freely and without embarrassment. It felt so good to know myself well enough to not only participate but form 7 new friendships with the people in my group as we are all going to stay in touch. It was a richer more authentic experience. I started this journey with my ‘personal’ desires separate from my ‘work’ desires but at this conference they all blended together in an enriching amazing experience that made me see how far I have come. The commitment I made to myself to spend time to get to know me again has been worth every single minute. I am not there yet, but at least I am out of the mud. And my journey continues…
Originally from California, I now live in Portland Oregon. I have been married for over 23 years and I have a daughter that is getting ready to graduate from college. My career for the past 20 years has been as a financial professional, but the last few years I embarked on a journey to rediscover my creative side.
My first art show ‘The Queens – Awakening the Feminine Energy within’ was on July 25, 2019 at Nucleus Gallery in Portland Oregon.
My second art show “LA Queens – the beautiful women of LA’ is coming up on September 21st in Santa Monica.
I create acrylic paintings, prints, greeting cards and other merchandise (including T shirts). It is all for sale at my store.
See the link below.
- I am just getting started September 21, 2019
- I am worth it September 15, 2019
- The Queen always wins September 7, 2019
- Change is beautiful September 1, 2019
- Finding a better me August 24, 2019
- My logical side ruins the fun August 18, 2019
- My time is gold August 10, 2019
- This time, I’m doing it for me August 3, 2019
- I had the key all along July 27, 2019
- I listened July 20, 2019