Sitting is harder than running
I have to be honest. I had a rough week. I started this blog on the premise of telling my story and sometimes my story is just shitty. I honestly don’t want to write about this, but if I were to write about a different subject today I would feel like a fraud. You are taking the time to read my story so I have to be honest with you. So here it goes, my husband didn’t like something that I wrote and we got in a fight about it. My philosophy is that I write it, and put it out into the world, and then I let it go. If anyone who reads it doesn’t like it then that is their choice. But since that person is living with me, my philosophy has to go out the window. I didn’t understand what he didn’t like about what I wrote, but what I did understand is why everyone has been calling me brave to do this blog. It is hard to have someone you love mad at you. At least it is for me, because my husband and daughter are all I have. They are it. I have no other relationships with any other family members. My parents were abusive, and so I stopped talking to them and my siblings didn’t understand. So, I tend to hold on a little too tightly to my husband and daughter. So, him being mad at me is horrifying to me. It makes me feel small and scared. So, I get angry. My anger may look like I am strong and that I am standing up for myself but inside I am full of fear, and my anxiety goes through the roof. I try and talk myself out of feeling so anxious because he is just upset over what I wrote, he doesn’t hate me as a person and want to leave me. It is just a fight. But my body doesn’t know the difference. My body goes into flight mode and I want to leave and not be rejected. I try and talk myself down but nothing works. My stomach is in constant butterflies, my mind goes into overdrive. I have an impulse to delete my blog so that he is not mad and I can find peace from my anxiousness. I know I am overreacting but I can’t help it. My body can’t help it. My body is telling me there is danger because someone is mad at me and I go into survival mode. It is how I am wired from being brought up in an abusive environment. I am working on managing it, so I am trying to speak calmly rather than yell. So, I say to my husband, “I am writing even if everyone is mad at me, and no one reads it. I am writing.” And there it is. There it is. I feel it, I know it. I will do whatever it takes to keep writing. It is who I am, and it is who I have always been but I was just too scared to upset people by putting my writing out into the world. I am still scared to upset people but I am doing it anyway. I am extremely uncomfortable but I am doing it anyway. I will continue on this path even if I upset the most important person in my life; my husband. He saw me when no one else did, and I mean ‘saw’ me. He understood me and validated me when no one could understand why I wouldn’t talk to my parents. When I first met him I told him that my parents lived an hour away but that I hadn’t seen them in 3 years. He said ‘ok’, and that was the end of the conversation. He didn’t question it, or think I was weird, or interrogate me like every other guy I dated before him did. He accepted me, and he just loved me plain and simple and I felt his love. I love him, and I need him and I don’t like fighting with him. So, it gives me extreme anxiety for me to think he is mad at me, and I know that is my issue. So I sat with my anxiety all week. It was absolutely excruciating because I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to relieve the feelings inside of me. I wanted to be distracted by anything in order stop the feeling. When I used to drink, this would have been the perfect time to drown out this feeling with alcohol. But I didn’t do any of that. I just felt the anxiety of someone being upset with me. I just sat with it and felt it, and slowly to my own surprise I started to feel forgiveness. So even though I didn’t fully understand my own emotions, I told him I forgave him. This is new for me, to forgive without understanding. In the past I would have held a grudge, and I would have tried to make him feel bad and small like I was feeling. But, in forgiving him I am acknowledging his struggle with the changes that I am making in my life. I went from being an extremely private person to writing the most intimate details of my life on the internet for anyone to read. Even though that is a lot for him to process, he encourages me every day and says that one day I am going to write an amazing book. I know he loves and supports me, and I need to let him have some emotions about what I am doing because I am his one and only too. He relies on me like I rely on him. He gets scared too and it comes out as anger. I get it, I understand it because I am the same. In forgiving him instead of trying to prove my point I saw all of this. There is no point to prove, we love each other and we are both scared to lose each other so we fight about it. And so what started as a terrible week ended with me learning so much. I have learned that as hard as it is I need to sit with my emotions instead of running, that I need to speak my truth calmly instead of yelling it, and that I don’t need to fully understand someone in order to forgive them. I see now that my husband has his own insecurities as he sees me change. He is scared that my journey is going to take me away from him and he doesn’t know how to express that to me. I see that now, and I feel compassion for him. And I also feel very fortunate, because after over 20 years of marriage he is still interested in what I am doing and feels scared at the thought of losing me. He is apologetic that he distracted me from my writing as he knows how important it is to me, and even though he doesn’t fully understand my journey, he accepts it and loves me.