I want to be loved and I want to be desired. These are two opposing dynamics within me. To me, being loved is for someone to ‘get’ me, to see me when I am spinning out of control in my own world and to throw me a life preserver or just wait patiently for me to return back to them emotionally, because they understand me and know this is just who I am. Love to me, is for someone to know that I am not always going to say or do the right thing but that my intentions are good, and I am usually moving in the direction of connection and understanding, and forgiving me when I mess up. Love is also seeing me as a person with my own friends, career and personal goals, and respecting these things about me. I stand up and fight for these things in my life, and defend my boundaries if someone tries to take these things away or say that I don’t need them. Someone that respects all of these things about me is someone who loves me. But then there is the other side of me where all the respect and personal goals go out the window. I want someone to also desire me, just flat out animalistic desire. I want someone to not take into consideration my personal goals but overpower me and make me forget that I want anything but to be with them. I want to be lost in desire. I want an escape from my brain and my analytical world of thinking all the time. Is it wrong to want both? These different parts of me are at odds with each other and confusing to the person trying to be there for me. Which person am I, the one who wants to be respected and listened to, or the person who wants to be overtaken so that my brain will shut down. It is a fine line. How can I reconcile both of these parts of who I am? I feel like I should be one or the other. I can’t be the strong feminist career woman and then also want someone to just physically lust over me, that doesn’t make any sense. But even though it doesn’t make sense, it is how I feel. I have a desire to be desired, I admit it. And desire isn’t sex. Desire is that I feel the energy of want for me. That wanting energy makes me feel like a woman. It makes me feel feminine and beautiful, and I need it. As strong as I am in my decisions and learning to defend my boundaries, I am still a feminine energy that wants a stronger masculine energy to overwhelm me and make me forget about everything. That is why my boundaries can sometimes be broken down, because there is a side of me wants them to be broken down. That is why I give in and do things that my brain tells me not to, but my desire and feminine energy feed on and need. That is why just when I think I have everything all figured out and in its place either my brain or my desire lash out and throw everything off balance again. My analytical side holds my job down, pays the bills, writes this blog. My feminine desire is the side that keeps going forward when there is no logical reason to think things will work out, that takes chances when the odds are stacked against me, that loves without reason. I need both these sides of me. And to find that person who loves me unconditionally, respects and listens to me but then also knows when to lust after me and overtake my thoughts is amazing. That person finds the puzzle piece that unlocks all of my best feminine energy along with all of my analytical brain power. It is like a lightening bolt that can light me up and make me glow but then can also electrocute me. It is an energy that through that person I can reach both sides of me at the same time, their energy bridges the gap of my two opposing sides. When they see me and give me their energy I feel connected to the world and whole, but when they fail to see and take their energy away from me I feel completely alone. I need someone to love me for the person that I am, but then desire me for the woman that I am. I need both, I want both, I am both.
Last weekend I went on a retreat in the mountains with no access to technology. No phone, no TV, no internet. When I went back to work on Monday a part of me was still in the mountains. I wasn’t fully present back at my job, as I longed to return to the simplicity of […]
This year is no different than any other year. I still have my history, my faults, my stubbornness and my tendency to withdraw into my own world. Except this year it is worse. It is worse because I can’t use any of my old excuses that worked so well to keep me comfortable and in […]