My beautiful room

So, a week ago I bought drawing pencils, paint and paper to tap into my creative side.  Mid week I went back to the art supply store to get more pens, colored pencils and paper  because I got on a roll.  And with like with any creative endeavor,  I became obsessed.  All I want to do now is draw.  It was tough to take myself away from my pencils and art supplies to write this.  I debated whether to draw instead.  The more I create, the more ideas I have about what else to create.  Its almost as if I have all of a sudden I discovered an extra room in my home that I love, but for some reason I had always kept the door closed to get into the room.  Now I have opened the door, stepped inside and I am appreciating the beauty of the room that has always been there.   I am wondering why I never spent more time there.  It is a magical, beautiful place, and being creative is an amazing process.  It  comes when it wants to come, I can’t control when I feel creative.  But what I have found that in just starting to do it whether I feel like it or not, it all starts to flow. What I have also discovered is that it requires solitude, being by myself.  I can’t carry on conversations, listen to the TV, or be in a noisy atmosphere.  But once I start drawing I swear I hear music in my head, and the thoughts about work, or relationships that seemed so overwhelming almost seem to be floating in my head rather than making me upset.  The thoughts float in, I look at them, then they float out as I draw.  It is almost as if my brain is processing events as I am being creative.  I started to wonder if that is why children are so creative, because their brains are processing so much new information all the time and doing something creative helps with this.  At least it is helping me.  The art doesn’t have to be museum worthy in my opinion, it just has to say what I want it to say.  And in my head I know what that is, and when the picture matches that I feel happy.  With so much that is beyond my control in my life, it is nice to be in control of this.  It is something I can give myself that requires nothing but me to show up and do it.  I wonder why I deprived myself of this experience for so long.  I kept thinking that I would get back to my creative side when I had enough “time”, meaning all of my responsibilities were taken care of, all my relationships were on track, all was going well at work and I was in a relaxed state of mind.  But that state is never going to happen.  There will always be some conflict or confusion in my life, and I will always be anxious about something.  But what I didn’t realize until this week is that being creative actually helps things make sense, and processes the conflicts in my mind.  By staying away from being creative, I was basically saying to myself, “I will go to a counselor for help once I have my life all figured out.”  When I started writing this blog in January of this year, everyone was asking me what my goal was, what did I expect to achieve?  And I honestly had no answer, and almost felt silly saying that I am just going to see what happens.  I can tell you that I never would have guessed that this would lead to me drawing again.  That was not even on the radar.  But by just starting to write and being disciplined about paying attention to this process and journey I have opened up a wonderful creative door that I thought was closed forever.  In doing this, I also notice I have less energy to put towards petty arguments and unnecessary drama.  Now when I am involved in these things, I think to myself that I could be doing something so much better with my time.  And now, looking back over past situations  I realize that I have wasted so much time and energy being upset over situations that worked out on their own.  Maybe  not the way I wanted them to, but they way they were supposed to.  My worrying and stressing over these situations didn’t change the outcome.  And life will never be so in order that I can sit down with a clear head and be creative.  But  I have realized that if I sit down and just be creative anyway, that things work out.  That me taking a weekend to stress over situations I can’t control doesn’t solve anything.  And me trying to figure out people and situations that I may never understand doesn’t help anyone, especially me.  I am trying really hard not to waste any more time, so when unnecessary drama comes my way I am going to try and say, “I have a beautiful room in my house that I just rediscovered, and I need to go spend some time there, but if you leave your drama outside the door I will invite you in to see it.”

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    1. Thanks Mary Ann, I just took a look at your blog. How exciting for you, and courageous to make such a big move. Sounds like we are on similar paths except I am not retired yet : ( Can I find you on instagram? I would love to see your photography . Love, Peta

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