I admit it, I’m obsessed.
Ok, so I admit it, I am obsessed. I can’t stop drawing and writing, and when I am not drawing and writing I am thinking about it. If someone is talking to me I am thinking about how I can capture them on paper, either by drawing them or writing about our interaction. And I think I always knew this would happen if I opened the door to my creativity, I knew it would take over my life. I have had periods in my life like this before. For example when my daughter was 3 years old, I went on a painting binge. I had canvasses, paint tubes, drop cloths and all sorts of finished and unfinished paintings all over our house. I saved some of the paintings but I don’t even remember where most of them went. But what I do remember is that I was in my own world. I didn’t care about being social, working out, or even going outside. I just wanted to paint. Then I got a bad flu from all my obsessive painting because I wasn’t taking care of myself and that period stopped. This time I will try not to do that to myself. Even if I am thinking about creating the whole time I am doing other things, at least I am doing other things. The reason being is that I want this period of creativity to last. I don’t want this time to be a spurt of energy that dies off. I want to make writing and drawing a part of my life without it taking over. I am trying, I really am. Last night after work I did go for a walk, but then I stopped by the art store to buy new pens afterwards. But I didn’t go home and start drawing, I resisted, and my husband and I went out to dinner. I actually got out of my sweats, away from the kitchen table which is my new art studio, and out of the house. It was fun, and nice to be out with people. But as soon as I got home at 10:00 at night I had to try out my new pens and draw. And then this morning when I got up, I had to write this blog. Is that obsessive? Maybe. But I feel like I have wasted so much time going out of my house searching for something to fulfill me and so many times coming home after having spent too much money and drinking too much alcohol only to feel worse then when I left. Also, I have spent so much time in one sided relationships where I am listening to and counseling a “friend”, that goes from crisis to crisis. I have gotten off the phone from these conversations and been completely exhausted from trying to solve their problems and realized that we didn’t even talk about me at all. Also, I have wasted a lot of time and energy in relationships that have made me feel bad and silly for trying to follow my creative path. If I did share my drawings or writing with these people they would make passive aggressive comments disguised as a joke that would weaken my confidence by making fun of what I was doing. But by slowly moving away from these people and following my heart, I now wonder why I was letting someone who will truly never relate to or understand what I am trying to do, stop me from doing it. These are the same people I was listening to when I wanted to move forward and take a chance. I would try and convince them that my art was worth doing, and show them that it had value to me so they should also value it. Looking back I am not sure what I was trying to accomplish by trying so hard to convince them to accept my creative side. Now instead, I have surrounded myself with a small group of encouraging, positive, like minded artists, dreamers and chance takers who understand my journey, and even if they don’t, they still encourage me to follow my path. I don’t know where this path is going, but I know I am following it this time and will remove any obstacles that come my way. It may sound boring to stay home and write and draw but I learn something new every single time I do it and I hopefully get better at it. And when I create something it makes me feel good. I feel better after I have drawn a picture or written a blog. I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, to the point that I don’t want to stop doing it. And I will allow myself to make mistakes and try new things and fail, but I will keep moving forward. I will keep going on this journey because it has meaning to me and I will keep the people in my life that support this path and don’t question and criticize. I will try not to be so obsessed with it to the point that I neglect other parts of my life, because I really do want to integrate my creative side into the rest of my life and find a balance. This is just the beginning, it started 5 months ago when I claimed a space in my house to start writing. I converted our dining room into my office by taking a leaf out of our dining room table, converting it into a desk and putting my computer on it. I got smug smiles and eye rolls from my family when I first sat down and said “this is my office and my space”. But now they accept that this is my area and they read my blog and love my art work and are very supportive and encouraging. I am excited and motivated to continue on my creative journey and I am truly grateful for those in my life who have been and continue to be encouraging and understanding. I know I am obsessed, but what I have realized is that by sharing what I consider to be my gift with the world, I am receiving back the gift of compassion, understanding and encouragement from those who care about me. I can feel their gift, and it energizes and fulfills me. So, who wouldn’t be obsessed with that?