words create boundaries

I have a body that everyone can see, it is my physical form.  But then I have boundaries that no one sees but my soul.  My boundary is invisible to everyone but me.  My boundary is there to protect my emotions because my emotions are bigger than my body.  Because my spirit and emotions go beyond my body, and when my spirit is broken it is a warning sign to my physical body that danger is near.  It is survival.  My emotional and physical boundaries were crossed and taken away from me as a child, as I grew up in a very chaotic and abusive household.  I wasn’t allowed to have personal boundaries.  So I went out into the world as a young woman not realizing that I could say no without screaming it.  I was attracted to people that disrespected my boundaries because I equated this with love.  Because that was how I was treated by my family and I thought they loved me.  And in my child heart I felt love for my family .  This love was mixed with hurt and I was not able to decipher or understand the difference.  I didn’t know that love shouldn’t and didn’t have to hurt.  I didn’t know this when I went out on my own as a young women with no tools to defend myself.   I expected love to hurt.  I expected that I would have to earn love and be very grateful if I got it.  It scared me when people were just nice to me without expecting anything, I didn’t understand them.   So, I was constantly entering relationships where I gave and gave with little in return.  Then I would get angry and not really even fully understand my anger.  Plus I would feel  ashamed of my anger because I was not allowed to be angry as a child, and I was punished if I showed my anger.   So instead of being angry when I was growing up, I learned to space out and put my mind elsewhere so I could emotionally survive.   Floating away worked but I then I needed something to bring me back down to earth.  And I discovered this in writing.  Writing words became my tangible boundary.  I could write down my emotions and thoughts and read it back and say “See, there I am.”  Then I started reading other people’s words,  memoirs of girls like me, and poetry.  And I found my outlet for my emotions.  I could read amazing poems where words conveyed emotions, and the words rhymed and made sense to me.  Finally something made sense.  In elementary school when my stories were read out loud to the class,   I remember being embarrassed.  I really didn’t want anyone to know I wrote all that.  I wanted to hide.  Writing was my secret release, and now here were my words being read out loud.  My writing was the only thing that was really mine.  It was my words that no one could argue with, or tell me not to put down on paper.  I chose a career in finance because I didn’t feel emotional about numbers.  Math is mechanical and logical, no emotion.  I could earn a living in finance and keep my words for me.  So even though my heart was with writing, I always hid it.  I thought that if people read my words, and knew my real feelings that the world would stop spinning on its axis, because that is how I felt as a child.  Saying how I really felt was dangerous for me.  So putting my words out to the world has been a huge step for me.  And now I know I can say my truth and the world will keep spinning on its axis,  and everyone will still go about their lives.   Maybe someone will read my words and relate, and maybe some people will  think I am strange and emotionally damaged.  And that is okay if you think that, because it has truth to it.  These words that I write became my boundary before I was actually able to establish a real boundary for people not to hurt me.  And now that I am putting my words out in the world, I wonder what I was so scared of.  I am not scared anymore, I don’t need to be scared anymore.  And still sometimes when my mouth can’t  find the words to speak,  the words will come through my fingertips to protect and define me. 

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