2017 was a transition year
2017 was a transition year. It was a year of letting go of a long time relationship that wasn’t working anymore. I spent many sleepless nights last year going over and over our conversations in my head, and many days exhausted and sad thinking about how to get us back on track. I thought that if we just got through this crisis then I will get my needs met, and it will be smooth sailing. But I started to realize once we got through that obstacle there was always another one waiting. It was not for lack of trying that it all fell apart, it was sheer exhaustion. I couldn’t handle the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I was becoming numb to it. It was time to let go. When I finally let go there was a calm that came over me because I knew that relationship, in its current state, was over. It was over not by my choice but because the energy that held it together was gone. The energy was me trying to please, be accepted, and gain love. When I let that go, there was nothing there. When I was calm and not frantically looking for acceptance, the relationship died. But, I wasn’t happy that it ended, I was incredibly sad and heartbroken.
Don’t be desperate!
It was something that I wanted, but I wanted it in order to prove something about myself. I wanted to prove that I was good enough to be loved and accepted by this person who had supported me but also judged me. I had become blinded to who this person even was; did I even like them, relate to them, have anything in common with them? I didn’t even question or look at any of that, if they approved of me that day it was a good day. I consider myself a strong woman, so this was hard to admit, and the shame of my desperation kept me in the relationship. I wrote post-its and stuck them to my computer screen that read “don’t be desperate” to remind myself not to reach out. What is that feeling? Why did this person get right to the very core of me and make me feel so out of control in my quest to gain their approval? I don’t have the answer to that. What I do know is that I was a person I didn’t want to be. I didn’t realize until I was no longer in the relationship how those feelings of not being good enough carried over to the rest of my interactions and chipped away at my confidence. By losing that relationship I also lost that euphoric sense of unstoppability on the days that I felt accepted and loved by this person. There was nothing like it, it was better than any drug for me.
I feel ashamed to say, sometimes it felt really good to desperately beg for acceptance and get it
I miss that feeling. I do. With all the negative that came with it, I have a sense of loss of that feeling. I feel stronger now, healthier now, but also a small part of me is still mourning that loss. I feel ashamed to say, sometimes it felt really good to desperately beg for acceptance and get it, even if I knew it wouldn’t last.